I looked down at my calendar on my phone recently and consciously kept my jaw from dropping when I saw that we had already passed the 23rd of November just. like. that.

That means four weeks until my due date. That means the next 23 I see on my calendar will be the one that forever means Elsie and forever reminds me of the day we found out about the greatest Christmas gift we could ever receive.

So what am I feeling? I'm literally asking myself this this very moment because people ask me a lot and I always have to think really hard about it..I usually respond, "Physically or emotionally?" Because physically....I feel really pregnant. Some might think that if Elsie is as small as Ellie was that I may not be feeling the end of the pregnancy like most do...but I never really talked about how the places Ellie lacked in weight were made up with a plethora of excess fluid..this may not compare to long limbs jabbing every which way, but I can assure you that all that fluid made my womb very full and my lungs very squished. I don't know how big Elsie is, but I do know that I run out of breath making the bed (lame), I have a very hard time sleeping and switching from my left side to my right side, and I cannot tie my own shoes...much less put on socks by myself. So physically--yes, I feel very pregnant.

Emotionally I feel every sort of thing. Store employees are much more chatty because of the holidays and very pregnant ladies such as myself seem to attract all sorts of "Are you having Thanksgiving/Christmas baby!?" questions and comments and I respond with a yes and then I walk away with a heart full of joy and a heart full of anticipation and a heart full of ache. I also walk away with a deep conviction that yes, Elsie, no matter how she comes into this world, is my sweet Christmas gift whom I will love and cherish for all of my days. I feel excited to meet this little human being who has forced me into places of growth and strength. I feel sick with a love for her that is so intense that I cannot bare to think about her leaving me moments after birth. So I don't. I continue to keep my mind and heart focused on the things of heaven and not of this earth, and I thank God often that there are no sick babies in heaven and I thank Him for being the very perfect parent to Ellie. One thing I do not feel is fear. This can only be because of Jesus.

We will be fasting and praying on Wednesdays again starting next week (the 3rd) at the three week mark from my due date (oh my word) and so if you haven't been able to fast and pray the last 4 or 5 weeks and want to join in for these last days..we welcome you and thank you in advance!

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." Col. 3:1-3

I don't normally publish posts like this because they are out of my comfort zone and I am also not structured in the way that I write, so this is going to be a bit different...but I was too excited not to share.

Chris and I have noticed that in the time we've been married, a lot of people come to us to talk about relationship stuff. I do not say that with even an ounce of pride, but rather we hope (and assume when people come to us) that people see Jesus in us and in our marriage and if they do..it's all Jesus and not much of us at all--but we play a big part in submitting to him. And it is an honor to get to talk to people we love about love! We cannot claim to have decades of marital experience, and we have been mocked before by older individuals who think we are naive and still rolling along on the waves of newlywed bliss. (Nothing says honeymoon phase like lowering your little baby girl into the ground. Ugh.) This notion is simply not true, and although there is value in years of experience, we are always happy to shed light on why WE love marriage so much right NOW and our CURRENT experience in being married. I can tell you that our love for one another has only grown since exchanging vows, and I believe the reason is because of what I will talk about in this post.
And for a final kicker- I like to tell people that my parents have been married for quite some time and STILL model the type of relationship that I will talk about here.

Those are my disclaimers. Criticize me if you will. (**What I have noticed, is that people who are unhappy in their relationships often like to project their unhappiness upon people who are happy. If it means making young couples feel like idiots for being young, or assuming older happy couples are being fake..it will happen one way or another.)

I figured I would share this not because I think it's groundbreaking, but because Chris and I struggled hardcore to find books and teachings on marriage (can be applied to dating too!) that we felt really hit the nail on the head...at least regarding the relationship that we were experiencing together. We sat and listened to terrible advice that didn't seem to apply to us, we read chapters of books that we thought were over the top or over complicated, and we ended up scrapping almost every single "Marital Preparation" book for one single and worthy resource: the Bible. I am NOT knocking all books out there..I'm sure there are plenty of amazing ones that never got recommended to us. But in our experience, when we really got down to what we were looking for...we found all that we wanted to aspire to in our relationship in the pages of scripture.

So, after so many attempts to find something that encapsulates what we have experienced in our relationship and marriage (outside of the Bible)...I was PUMPED to find a super easy to understand and stripped down teaching on marriage that I believe gets it right and really describes what Chris and I have found to be true in marriage. So here it is and I will briefly jot down the components to the "marriage house" and if even one person finds this helpful, my job here is done.

Lately (well, since Ellie's death, but also heightened now because of Elsie) I have struggled with a part of the grieving process that carries on over time in losing a child. The grief comes when I remember missed milestones and when we pass through holidays without Ellie here, or when I dream of days like her wedding day or graduation only to remember that I won't experience them with her. This grief is biting and harsh, and no matter how much healing and restoration we have experienced, the moments come unexpectedly and jolt me into the reality that I have lost my sweet child. It doesn't disable me, but rather makes me wildly aware of how precious the lives of children are, how precious our lives are, and how fleeting time really is. My heart aches but then I become immediately aware of the forever-ness of the eternity that Ellie is already a part of.

Although an emotional struggle, this type of grief is a kind that I am okay with because it also forces me to remember that this is a battle the enemy did not win. The last breath that Ellie took on this earth surely had him thinking he had won...until Jesus met Ellie with open arms and we became intensely aware of the shalom of heaven that certainly passes all understanding. When the grief hits, we are brought once again to the reality that this earth is not our home. What is a mere 80 or 90 years on this earth in light of eternity (assuming we even live that long!) This life is brief and full of brokenness, but so full of God's hand and his goodness that is only amplified in the face of great pain.

And so here we are with Elsie-unsure if she will stay with us or leave to meet her maker and her sister, and we are well aware that no matter what happens, God will rescue our hearts as he has done many times before. We are so aware of our job for these next teeny tiny years until forever--and that is to love God and love others, to take in orphans and to heal the sick, to deliver people from oppression and best of all to introduce people to their Father who has loved them since the beginning.

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There is an amazing (and hilarious) Bethel sermon that just popped into my head in writing this, and is well worth your time called "Expectancy" by Danny Silk, found here. I think you may have to pay a small fee to watch it if you don't have a subscription, or you can listen to it for free via podcast if you download the Bethel app to your iphone. (You can watch a 10 minute preview for free, which I recommend doing if nothing else-- but I promise it's worth your time to listen to the whole thing!)

2 Corinthians 4:7-18
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

⁴ “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, ⁵ yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
⁶ And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. ⁷ And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? ⁸ I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

Elsie, my love,

I am here to record the fact that I really

really

really

really

reaaaaallly

realllllyyyyy

really really really really

REALLY

want you to live on this Earth with me and your dad (who is obsessed with you. you already know.)

So I'm going to keep asking.

Love,
your momma who is very much in love with you.

I've failed at writing lately. I love this little place, but sometimes my brain can't get it together to form a coherent thought. As I said in previous posts, we don't have as many medical updates to give about my treasure of a baby but I lovvvvvve that. I'd much rather give Jesus updates because he's pretty much the only physician I would like to be hearing from.

I have to be honest, lately I've just had a heart full of butterflies for both Ellie AND Elsie--as if neither of them are tied to any sort of tragedy. Let me tell you why. Losing Ellie was the worst experience ever, which followed a relatively traumatic pregnancy that lacked all of the fun things like baby showers and shopping for her and taking belly bump pictures and setting up a crib.......but THEN, after it all, I got to experience radical inner-healing and restored joy that literally makes no sense considering the circumstances. And then we got rocked AGAIN. And now..in the MIDST of this situation, we are STILL experiencing radical joy that also can't be explained via our circumstances. Mmmmm. I know that if I were having a normal pregnancy I would still be able to talk of the joy of the Lord, but Ellie and Elsie sure have put us on the fast track to understanding what it means to be seated in heavenly places while we live on this earth. This doesn't mean I'm a ball of bubbly giggles all of the time, but man, I can definitely say that life is good and I am head over heels in love with my daughters. They are literally the best.

I am more often jealous of Ellie than I am upset that she's not with me. I've said that before, but it's so true. I know there is life left to be lived here and work left to be done here, but dang...I am excited to get to where she is.

There is something about experiencing the loss of a child that requires you to disable any earthly problem from obscuring heavenly perspectives. It makes you wish every one around you could see their earthly problems in light of who God is. So much that we complain about in our culture falls away in light of the work of Jesus. I remember recently being in a time of worship and feeling with such conviction that if I never experience another tangible blessing in this life, that the blessing of the cross is more than enough. It's more than enough! But on TOP of that, God still DOES choose to bless us in this life...solely because he is good and never because I deserve it. Everything good aside from the cross is simply a free bonus that came with a free gift. Have you ever thought about that!?

How can we complain about anything really in light of what He has done? I mean, literally...anything. The seemingly important burdens of our teeny tiny lives should really fall away in the face of a Father who pursues us no matter what our response is to Him. And so--that is why we continue to pursue our Elsie, even when it is hard to pray, even when it doesn't "seem" hopeful (not because there isn't hope, but because the enemy likes to make us feel like there isn't.) It is our job to pursue our children. Despite hard circumstances. Despite feelings of defeat. Despite not feeling equipped or not feeling strong enough. Can you imagine what would happen if the Father stopped pursuing us to avoid experiencing hurt? God reminds me of this often when I am feeling discouraged in praying. So.......we press on for Elsie.

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Thank you to those of you who have committed to joining our Wednesday days of prayer and fasting. I've been writing down all of the scriptures and words and prayers in her journal. If you've missed out on the email list and want to be on it--make sure to email me (not facebook as I hardly check it) so I can add you. I am so grateful that so many have decided to join...it is making all the difference in the world. I hope we get to see the tangible evidence in this lifetime, but if not, I am confident we will see it in heaven.