I'm not sure that writing is going to help, but I'd love to be able to communicate through here versus email when I can...because this feels more personal even though it's public. Lately I dread getting on my email at all.

I'm not going to re-hash our little girl's story as of late on here because it's too much for me to handle--so I'm just going to say a few things and invite you to pray with us and then that should be enough.

Many of you know that her name is Ellie. We wanted people to be able to pray for her by name. Her name means shining light and we believe that no matter what happens that is what she will be. We have no idea what the next hours, days, or months hold...........in fact, it's been best for me to just get through the minutes sometimes.

Ellie is indeed still alive...I am counting that as a victory every single second she lives in me. We have not yet heard back from the doctors with test confirmation.....so there isn't much more I can say about that. I'm trying to remind myself that even when the doctors call--God has the final say. We are absolutely praying for healing every day......no matter the outcome or what the doctors say, we believe that as her parents we should continue asking for life and restoration.

What I can say is that this is, by far, the hardest thing we have ever been through in life, and I can honestly say that the idea of "getting through it" isn't even real to me at this point in time. The only only only only thing keeping me going is that God is continually breathing his breath into my lungs.

Whether you know us well or not--if you read this, just pray for her.
Pray that God would touch every cell of her body and restore her to 100% health. Pray for strength for Chris as he leads me and prays for me. Pray for peace and rest for me as I haven't really slept in about a week.

One thing I am sure of is that God's love is real.

but I don't even care because I'm pregnant and this is our first child and I can do what I want.
But for reals-I can't COUNT the number of people I've told about my severe dislike of super frilly pink baby clothes, because for one...I'm not giving birth to a fairy princess, she's a human. And two--I've never liked pink.
I know what you're thinking. You're all like "but what if she really likes pink!?" And to that I say--our sweet child isn't going to be able to voice that opinion for a while and unless she manipulates us into buying pink frilly dresses through grunts and baby-shoplifting, she'll be wearing what we want her to wear. Ugh, worst parents ever I KNOW. She can decide what colors she likes and if she decides she wants to get married in a pink wedding dress--we'll support her. Happy?
OKAY. Controlling mom soapbox over. The main reason I'm typing this is that since having these convos, a ton of people have been like, "You're not going to be able to escape finding pink baby clothes." I totally get that. Chris and I went to some psycho baby mart store (I think they call it "Buy Buy Baby" out there in the world) and we basically entered into a world that was 50% pink and 50% blue and in the end we left with nothing but major headaches, exhaustion, and a mild case of confusion over this contraption called the "mamaRoo" which looks like an egg shaped space machine that your baby goes into when they want to time travel or something. It was a strange experience to say the least, and the fact that it's nearly impossible to find any non-pink-frilly clothes in there is a story for another occasion. (I could say the same for the boy=blue crapola so don't think I'm all one sided and stuff.) We redeemed the situation by eating a great deal of mongolian stir fry which helped the hyperventilation to cease.
Anyways, I'm here to tell you that it can be done, and I'm about to have a pinterest board FULL of examples for yo' butt. Example one is on the top left of this post. SEE HOW CUTE THEY ARE? Obviously girly but not fairy-like=perfect. And if you still want to ask me "how people are going to know she's a girl" I'll say that if they know us then obviously they know...and if they are strangers I could care less what gender they think she is. Why do I need to label her with a color? I mean, shoot..all babies look like little bald males so who really cares.
What I love about clothes like the ones above is that since super-stores mass produce fairy clothes for girls and masculine colored man clothes for boys, cool/artsy people come up with these gems all over etsy and stuff.....because all the cool people have decided to sew their own dang baby clothes. Yes, etsy is more expensive....and we're poor, but it's an added bonus that we can support etsy/local crafty people when we can. And hopefully all the baby consignment stores will be left with the good stuff we love since all the normal people are going to buy out all the pink. Win win.

IMSORRYYOUJUSTHADTOLISTENTOALLTHAT.

Good thing she's a summer baby. She's going to be rockin the diaper-only look like a champ.

They say babies grow exponentially in the womb. Just kidding--they don't just say it..it's true. But another fact is that they exponentially suck any form of energy out of their mommas (probably to prepare them from the energy sucking they do after their born with all the not sleeping and stuff.) No, but really--I could sleep at any moment. Anywhere. ANYWHERE. My body is exhausted!

So before bed last night--when I was uber tired and feeling not so pregnant-super-womanish, I read over Romans 8 where it says that the Spirit intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words. Through my lack of energy and inability to find the words to pray...the Spirit helps communicate with the Father on MY behalf with sighs that words can't even describe. I can't count the number of times I've read that verse...but it was/is literally one of the most comforting things ever.

What a good and mighty counselor.

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On another note, it seems that everybody (work friends, non-work friends, family) is pregnant. It's contagious or something. (Right? Isn't that how this happens?) And so I was joking with a friend about the various things that it's okay to say to pregnant people. Maybe you're pregnant and you're all like "I don't care what people say to me" and the more power to ya. BUT--I'm doing this for the rest of us that are hormonal and have crazy feelings about things that normally don't matter. So without further notice, here are some things you shouldn't say to pregnant people (unless you know them rrreeeaaallllyyy well and know they wouldn't care.) Also, don't take this so seriously. I'm really laughing at all of these things and I promise I haven't judged people when they've said some (most) of them to me.....babies are exciting and a lot of people just say the first thing that comes to mind.

-You look SOOOOO BIG! (Pregnant..non-pregnant..is that ever a fun thing to hear?)
-You look SOOOOO small! (Pregnant mind translation= WOW! Doesn't look like the baby is growing AT ALL, but by all means...after the birth....bring on this phrase.)
-Man! You're about to POP! (No, actually, you have no idea when my due date is and I could very well have a few MONTHS to go.)
-You don't want an epidural!? WHY. (Trust me-we're well aware that childbirth is going to.....hurt. I know, I know, you think the word "hurt" is an understatement. Shh. Also--nobody is judging the fact that you got one so stop getting all defensive.)
-Do midwives even GO to school? I thought they were like self-trained.'Cause my friend is a doula and she hasn't been to school. (Um......yes they go to school. Midwives and doulas are two different thangs.)
-Are you planning on breastfeeding? (That's like me asking you how many times in a day you poop.)
-Was it planned? (Again...that likes me asking how many times a day you poop.)
-You sure there aren't twins in there? (See phrase one.)
-What are you naming him/her? (This one isn't so bad. But maybe ask--are you sharing their name?)
-Are you going to work after the baby comes? (How about we sit down and I tell you all of my life plans so you can decide if you approve or not?)
-*Watching you drink coffee**You can drink that!? I thought you couldn't have caffeine! (Umm first of all..this cup may very well be full of decaf. And it also may very well be full of *GASP* caffeinated coffee. Because caffeine consumption is most DEFINITELY talked about during your initial baby appointments and a little bit every so often (even every day) is allowed, especially after the first trimester.)
-Is your husband having to run out and get you all kinds of weird foods? (Um. No, nothing I eat is weird. And also--that makes me sound like a demanding hormonal wife. You don't even know my man!)

OKAY-I don't want to be all discouraging so here are some things that are perfectly awesome to say!:
-You look BEAUTIFUL.
-That's the most exciting thing EVER.
-Awww I can't wait to meet him/her!
-CONGRATULATIONS!
-You guys are going to be awesome parents.
-Yay! God loves babies! (He does.)
-He/She is going to be sooo cute/sweet.