Why yes, I do think that two months post-infant loss is an appropriate time to send me a letter about filling out a survey regarding our experiences because look! I could win a 100 dollar gift card for my troubles.



Yeah. That happened today. And it opened the floodgates of the Ellie part of my brain, allowing all sorts of thoughts and anger and ponderings to gush out into my previously peaceful Wednesday. When the anger began to rise..I tried to stop myself by thinking, "It's just a survery. Calm down." But the problem I find is that after losing Ellie, nothing relating to her is simple or easy or relaxing in any form or fashion.

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago about God's promise to use things like this to his glory..because he's faithful like that..and I know he will..but it can become easy after things like this to feel, as my friend put it, like you're becoming "the poster child for infant loss" and that's not the title I want to carry. Years ago, a family member of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was younger and didn't understand it the way I do now, but I remember wondering why she never wanted to dote the pink ribbons or enter the 5k's or speak about it to large groups of people. Her breast cancer is gone now. That IS something to celebrate. But one day she told me that the reason she didn't want a part in all of that was not because she didn't want to support others in this, but that she did not want cancer in any shape or form to become attached to her identity in the eyes of others. She can still aid in loving people well through it. She did not want it written across her forehead.

I feel the same way about Ellie. I write about her not because I'm trying to prove something or because I want to encourage large masses of people and I surely don't think I'm handling infant loss in a manner that is worthy of being paraded across the internet. I write about her because she is my daughter and it's what I'm going through.....just like I wrote about everything else before any of this happened to me. Chris and I don't want to be known as "that couple who lost their baby" just like my family member doesn't want to be known as "that person who survived breast cancer."

The letter I received is only addressed to me. Not to me and my husband. It urges me to participate because "it could help others and could create a better future for mothers and babies." In my normal state of mine I might think that that is a lovely offer. In my post-Ellie state of mind, all I can think about is how no amount of surveys in the world could have changed Ellie's outcome or my future without her.

We're two months out and I am JUST now catching onto the tiniest glimmer of light at the end of a very long tunnel and that tiny tiny light is JUST now convincing me that I am actually going to survive this. But that belief is still brief and fleeting at best and some days I can't even remember it existed. I'm assuming, just as I have assumed in the past, that progress will be made. But right now......everything is complicated and messy and I don't want to feel guilt for not filling out a survey for future infant loss mothers.

Give me another couple of months, and we'll talk again.

Because I just need to be where I am right now and not feel bad about it.

And where I am is not okay with being surveyed about my sweet girl so that we can be entered into a database where I will be forever labeled solely as a mother who has lost her baby...and not as a wife, a sister, a daughter, and most importantly a child of God who is going to make it somehow.

Jordan=obsessed with Etsy. I dream of the day that I can afford to buy every gift from there because it's so neat to stick it to the man and support talented individuals and families from all over the place. Ha. Just kidding about the sticking it to the man part but kinda not really. Anyways. My mom is super talented at all things crafty. She just launched her Etsy shop at Surcee Paper Design and will be building up her cute little shop! You can follow the link above or always find the link to the right by clicking on the Surcee Paper Design image.

Also note the fact that my ridiculous obsession with paper clearly comes from my mom 'cause HEYcraftygeneHEY! It's a real thing. My dad tries to take credit and we laugh. So now you know that it is not my fault, Chris, that we have crazy colored and patterned paper everywhere and sorry.

How could I possibly let this day end without mentioning on here that three years ago today Chris asked me to be his wife!? Good thing I have like t minus 30 minutes until I pass out because we haven't been getting sleep because our cat is determined to punish us for 7 years for leaving him for a week. (We had him taken care of but he's incredibly needy and like obsessed with us or something.) So basically we fall asleep and then he walks around our room and yells spontaneously for a few seconds and then repeats multiple times until deciding that he's done enough damage on our sleep cycles and he can finally curl up at the end of the bed so that we cannot move without waking HIM up and we wouldn't dare because the yelling torture would ensue.

He really is a gem, I promise..I mean I can't be all that mad at him for being so in love with us that he flips his lid when we return. Plus, he's so intuitive like a lot of animals are and he always snuggles me when I'm sad about Ellie. It's amazing.

So here I am, zombie mode like, and reminiscing that fine day that Chris was so sneaky and brought my engagement ring from Greenville and took me to dinner and lined the botanical gardens with flower petals and candles and almost let me trip down some stairs because I wasn't allowed to look at where I was walking. I totally looked drunk because of that and then my skirt was falling down so I hiked it up like a nerd because I had no idea what was happening or that I was on video. The magic. Then he got down on one knee, asked me to marry him, said some stuff, and I stood there with my hand over my mouth not saying anything except for sobbing and snotting everywhere and the ring was still in his pocket and then I said yes and then he said "you haven't seen the ring yet!" and I said "I don't care about the ring!" which sounds totally jerkish in retrospect but what I meant to say was that he could have tied a piece of grass around my finger and I would have still been overjoyed. Then his friends appeared from various bushes with wine and flowers and hugs. There's video proof of all of this right here:

The Proposal

Three years later and we've been through so much..getting our first real jobs, going back to school, having our first baby, losing our first baby, moving a bunch of times, making a ton of married memories, and learning a lot. I'm so lucky to do life with such an amazing man. I literally don't know what I'd do without him.

We're back! The cruise was amazing. Soooo much fun. It'd take way to long to talk about all the awesome stuff, so I'll just pick a few of our favorites:

Favorite stop: St. Maarten
We went on a 6 hour snorkeling/island excursion and got to snorkel with giant sea turtles and sting rays. It was way cool. Plus, we got back to the dock really really really late so our awesome tour guide gave us a really speedy ride in his personal car back to the cruise ship. Ha. I was slightly scared we were going to miss the ship buuuuuuut also riding in his car made me feel like we should just move to the island because I kind of dig the island life.


Favorite food: Roasted duck with a red wine reduction
Ridiculous. Also, on the subject of food--Chris ordered 3-4 appetizers and 2-3 entrees at every single dinner. I do not understand how he can put down this amount of food.

Favorite show: Drew Thomas' Magic Show, "Now You See It."
I've never seen a magic show live..and whenever I see them on TV I'm super skeptical and think that everyone's sort of in on it. We had seats in the front row but to the side and literally I can not figure out how he did these tricks. I'm pretty sure you can see part of, if not this whole show somewhere on youtube. Here's a picture that he actually took from on stage at the cruise ship:



Favorite Game Event: The Quest
This ridiculous game. Chris and I were two of the four team captains that got to play in front of everyone and we each had a section of the audience to play with. It's like a crazy scavenger hunt sorta. Our team won second place out of 12! We got silver medals and shirts. Hahahaha.

Most embarrassing moment for Jordan (of course there would be at least one of these):
Getting pulled up in front of multiple hundreds of people in the middle of the broadway type production (I totally didn't volunteer) and forced to do various dance moves and sing. Into the microphone. Why me. Why. See the picture above for what I had to see while I did all of this.

Most embarrassing moment for Chris:
I have not yet gotten permission to talk about this via the blog. It involves the Quest game and also very little clothing. Haahhhahahaha. Also. I am so mad I don't have pictures because of the fact that my phone was up in my purse in the audience since we were playing on the floor.

Lastly: I did take a cruise video!
But I accidentally took all of them vertical because I don't know why. Ooops. But it's better than nothing. I'll get better at the vlog thing eventually. :)


We arrived back home on Ellie's two month.  I was so happy that our friends were the ones to pick us up from the port and drive all the way back to SC with us because it really just helps to be around awesome people, especially during the hardest days. Two months seems like such a short while ago...but it feels so much longer that we've been going through all of this. I can see that we're making progress in healing and moving forward, it's just such a process. Before leaving for the cruise, I totally underestimated how healing it was going to be. It can be easy to feel guilty, like we were running from the issues or forcing ourselves to be distracted.....but in the end it was absolutely what we needed. It totally inspires us to want to do this for others in the future. I hope we never have to see any friends or family walk through things like this..but if so, it helps so much to know the things that have really made a difference for us so that we can pass them along. Whether that's a cooked meal, just being held by friends and family, or sending them on vacation.......it just makes a world of difference. Literally--all of you have taken this business of bearing our burdens to a level that is beyond comprehension and that is so full of Jesus. It's so so so inspiring. So although I can't express it in a way that matches the gratitude in our hearts........thank you.

Well, I haven't written in a while (on here) mostly because my journal (the paper and pen kind) and I have been on frequent dates because sometimes I have to write solely for me...and also if those thoughts made their way on here there would be outrage and riots in the streets. Just kidding. But it's been good.

But I DID want to write now because tomorrow we leave for our vacation/cruise and OMGITSFINALLYHEREWEMAYNOTCOMEBACK.

This is the first thing we've had to REALLY look forward to in a really long time. Months and months.

So lately I've been thinking a lot about marriage, just because of what we're walking through. My sister in law had this article pinned on one of her pinterest boards and it was all about these tips that this couple had regarding how to keep your marriage strong. And I was reading it. And I agreed with it. And then I was like HEY! We have a strong marriage! I need to start thinking about what makes OUR marriage so strong instead of reading about other peoples.

Because everybody is so different. And I did agree with what they said and could relate to a lot of it but also I realized that Chris and I are a breed of our own. And so is every other couple. You have these things and these secrets and these funny little quirks that only the two of you know..and nobody will ever fully know besides the two of you. It's beautiful.

And I love spending my thinking-time thinking about what makes us strong these days because once we lost Ellie I had to (and wanted to) cling even more fervently to Chris. So..I pondered it and I'm going to list some of them. Because maybe they will spur on the strengthening of other marriages. Or maybe it will spur on thoughts about what makes YOU strong...or maybe it's just a good reason to think about all of the positive aspects of your relationship because negativity usually wins when it comes to representations of relationships in the media and news and all that jazz. So here are some reasons and ways that we keep OUR marriage strong and our love stronger...and our weirdness weirder. :)

1. God first. No explanation needed.

2.  We go to sleep at the same time..this means brushing our teeth together, being silly together, and talking in bed before falling asleep. It's a widely known fact that all individuals form bedtime routines and that having bedtime routines aides in calming the mind and body before going to sleep. My bedtime routine includes these things with Chris and it makes all the difference.

3. We kiss and hug a lot, not just for intimacy purposes. Kissing hello, kissing goodbye, hugging for no reason..even if you don't feel like it. I'm talking REALLY long hugs. I don't know why this is so good and I don't have an explanation but it makes us really happy. Another thing that goes along with this is always always always greeting each other when we reunite.

4. We run little errands together. I have this like...ridiculous opposition to filling my car with gas. I can't stand it. Get Chris to go with me? Totally likeable. Same with the grocery store...we rarely grocery shop apart unless either of us randomly remember something we forgot while we're on the way home from somewhere. Sometimes we wait until later in the evening to grocery shop just so we can go together. Same with any random errand that can get boring.....just go together!

5. We don't ever turn each other down when it comes to intimacy. This was AWESOME advice we got from all three of the different marriage counseling sessions we did with different people. It's obvious that when you get married it's impossible to always be on the same page when it comes to timing. I'm not talking about refusing to turn each other down when one of you is sick or something legit......but "not being in the mood" isn't a good excuse for us. We really feel like getting in the habit of turning one another down could be super awful, and if you always wait until BOTH are in the mood..then..well..that just won't do. Just think about being turned down with ANYTHING! Just in life! It's disappointing. It will wear you down after it happens enough.We would like to propose that with effort from both parties, you can get on the same page if you just say yes. But we're also not just talking about sex. We're talking about snuggling, really good quality time, etc.

6. We go on dates. We compliment each other and talk about silly things while on them.

7. We daydream and hope and talk about the future. Things we want, things we'd like to experience, what's changed about our dreams if anything...

8. We're honest with each other. We can't stand passive aggression. If I'm hurt, I say, "Hey. I'm hurt." and then we tell each other why. There's no use in dragging things out longer than need be. We don't need to internalize problems or sadness or anger and then get upset when the other person "doesn't notice." Talk about it. Mind reading=doesn't exist. Mood reading=waste of time. Just say it.

9. The above goes the same way for positive things. When Chris does something for me that makes me happy or excited or just touched, I tell him. And he tells me. So like..Chris often "loads up" my toothbrush and toothpaste for me because sometimes I'm lazy and other times I just don't like doing it. Weird, I know. So he does it just the way that I like it.  But he does it so often that maybe he thinks it isn't a big deal. BUT IT IS. It makes me feel so loved every single time! He could easily say, "um. do it yourself...it takes four seconds!" But he just does it and laughs at me and then I thank him profusely because it's so kind. There's this really awesome video about gratitude and the effects it has. Worth watching.

10. We have inside jokes and we use them and reference them and talk in secret code with them or text them to each other randomly. There are sayings we say and jokes we make that other people may never pick up on. You remember having best friends you did this with in school when you were younger. Well. We are best friends. So it makes sense. It makes you feel like you're on this super secret team and nobody will ever really understand and it's just the best.

11. We NEVER poke fun or diss eachother..ever..but especially in front of other people. If Chris is in an extra silly mood when out with friends or makes a joke that I think is less than awesome..I will never say stuff like, "Wowwwwwwwwwwww," or "what's gotten into you??" It's demeaning. Even eye rolls. Those may even be worse. Chris is my biggest supporter and I am his. It makes other people feel awkward when you demean your spouse in front of them (and obviously when alone too)...and I can only imagine what it makes your spouse feel like. This would be an easy way to build up walls between one another. If Chris consistently made me feel bad for something I said in a group setting or something I did that he thought was silly...it's going to cause me to walk on eggshells around him in the future and make me wonder what he thinks of me when we're NOT around other people.

Well....what do ya know..Chris is ready for bed. So I am too! Baha. So there's the end of my list. Off to have this silly man load up my toothbrush. ;)

P.S. The above do NOT have to work for you. They just work for us. :)

I'll be back after our CRUISE. :):):):):):)