My grandfather's funeral was yesterday so we made our way down to Columbia to spend time with our family. As sad as it is to have to gather for that reason, it reminded me of how awesome of a family I have. Each time we get together it's like nothing has changed--and we always seem to be able to laugh, despite the circumstances surrounding us. I love you guys so much. Proud to be an obnoxious greek person with all of you. Remembering Pop and all the times he pretended he couldn't see us sitting in his chair so that he could sit on us to make us laugh. (And to get us to move out of his chair.)

I think this is really important. Because one of my biggest emotional issues post-Ellie was about my body. And I want to be encouraging in that because I have heard countless women talk about being fearful of having body issues after babies and they aren't even pregnant yet. I blame culture. That's a soapbox I won't jump on today because I will never depart it if I do.

I realize there's tons of stuff out there about "the shape of a mother" and "loving your body because it just went through hell and that's amazing," but let's be real...often times those articles and websites and even encouraging husbands don't help when it's just you in front of the mirror. For me, the hardest thing about recovering from pregnancy is that I don't have my baby here to make some of the things about recovery worth it. I have a 5 inch scar on the most intimate place on my body because of her and yet I don't get to hold her and appreciate that her body came out of me..that totally sucks. Regardless, it's hard no matter what. But mainly, it's so difficult to remember on a daily basis that it took almost a year (!!) for your body to get to the state it was in when you delivered......so patience is really what it's all about.

Even now as I write this, I'm still in progress and not where I was pre-pregnancy, but I'm working hard and learning a whole lot along the way. And by the time I get where I want to be......I could very well be pregnant again and then the cycle continues. Oh, being a woman. So much joy. So many challenges.

Preface: I really can't speak on this subject as it relates to delivering naturally as I had a c-section for Ellie, but I digress.

For the first week after the c-section, my amazing husband literally had to lower me onto the toilet every single time I had to go, and then brace me while I went. hashtag pure selflessness, forever grateful, honored to be his wife. See what I did there.

At that point in time, I was positive I wouldn't be able to do a single crunch for YEARS. People. My gosh. Pain. I also thought "there is NO way I'm going to cleared for exercise in 6 measly weeks." (I was wrong, reason number 65345 why your body is amazeballs.)

I went for my 6 week checkup and until that point in time had been walking for exercise. Walking slowly. The doctor said I was good to go for most exercises but shouldn't jump back into something like insanity yet, and that I should really ease back into doing ab-work.......especially on the lower abs since they were, ya know, sliced and diced and everything not nice. I'm currently at 16 weeks post-partum (10 weeks cleared for exercise) and I STILL can't do much with my lower abs. I rely on running and other exercises to work them indirectly. If I work them too hard, I get this weird tingly, stingy, pulling feeling where my scar is. Eek.

I really like to mark my progress using my weeks after being cleared for exercise because I think it's way more encouraging and I've never been one to rely on diet to get good results. Plus, before you are cleared for exercise and then still for sometime afterward your stomach is this weird deflating mess and you're all like "Oh my gosh my body literally feels like pizza dough and what happened to my abs and I'll never feel attractive ever again."

Back to diet: we eat healthy around here so I knew my progress was going to pick up speed as soon as I could exercise normally again. Taking pictures is also key because it's hard to notice progress when you see yourself every day! It's awkward, I agree (especially in the weeks just after you've delivered and feel totally NOT okay with yourself.) Just do it, trust me.

One more thing I have been using consistently is the my fitness pal app. It's amazing. It's downfall is that it's purely calorie based so you could technically eat twinkies all day, stay under your limit, and still lose weight--but because we eat balanced meals around here I wasn't worried about that. You can track your exercise and food intake. I wasn't necessarily worried that I was eating too much, but wanted to see what I was averaging...and I was actually not eating ENOUGH..which can slow your metabolism.

I'm a stress-non-eater, so I'm pretty sure that was why that was happening. I mean.....child loss, slightly stressful amiright? Right now I get around 1350 a day, give or take about a hundred, and it still keeps me on target for losing. (I want to stress that I am NOT strict about this number. There are some awesome ways to calculate what your body needs for your size and goals. If I work out, I calculate an average calories burned and factor that in. This app does not calculate calories for strength training because it would be impossible to determine since calories burned would depend on your size, muscle mass, heart rate, etc...so normally I just track it for fun so I can see what all I've done. (Adding it to my fitness pal will NOT compensate for calories unless you track it under cardiovascular activity...but doing so would give you a really rough estimate...so I just don't.) I actually really really really love this app, and I've never been one to calorie count.

and this makes me want to hyperventilate, cry, laugh, vomit, and dance at the same time. I'm literally so excited for the end of this crap that I designed and ordered our Christmas cards because I can see the light and I was able to envision this holiday season whereas Chris will have no more school and I am not working and we are going to freaking live it up, people.

It's worth noting that we still don't know where we are going to be living by the time Christmas comes but nomad status is our forte so I'm totally not stressed about it.

what else.

One of my best friends got married this weekend to the guy who like four years ago I was like "oh, duh, he's totally the one." I wasn't emotional until he freaking CRIED when she walked down the aisle and oh my word. Because of this wedding I obtained about a gazillion monagrammed objects including a shirt and a wine glass and a bag and stuff and normally I'm not a monogram girl but these were the first things I've gotten that are monogrammed with my married name so I love it because, you know, me=obsessed with chris. Everything's all like JTA and I'm like. yes. I am married to that tatey-man.

I was almost sad because for the longest time I was thinking this would be Ellie's first wedding and that I would see Chris holding her while I stood in the front of the church. The reason I ended up being not sad was because I remembered that she's enjoying, ya know, perfect paradise. Way to be, Ellie.

I think that's all I have to say.

One thing that I've come to realize after Ellie is that the "world" of infant loss, if you will, is much larger than I ever imagined. Don't get me wrong--I realize that many many healthy babies are born each day and what happened to us is absolutely not the norm (thank God) but walking through this as opened doors to all sorts of groups and individuals and organizations that are about infant loss awareness and it can be quite frightening to now know of SO many others who have experienced this. It has the ability to sort of shift your perspective regarding what the norm is when all of the sudden you are familiar with loads of other people who have been through the same thing. On the flip side--these groups of people provide so much comfort and wisdom....it's just hard to hold these in tension with one another. I don't want to be fearful of future pregnancies (which is something I'm totally working through) but I also don't want to be ignorant to the fact that babies die and it's one of the most horrible things we have to live with on this earth.

That being said, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Sort of depressing, am I right? Yes. But I don't want our pain to cause us to overlook the reality that others are totally there right now and we have been given the authority to PRAY and intercede for, well, everyone...and on that day especially for those who have lost their sweet babies. So if you feel led, mark your calendars to pray. I'll note that one thing I've realized is that much of my post-Ellie prayer life revolves around healing and peace and nurturing......all of which are incredibly important. What I want to focus on more is praying against a fear of future pregnancies and praying FOR the health of future babies. Guys, the fear can be crippling. I have had multiple horrific moments of anticipating what it's going to be like to find out I'm pregnant again in the future...what it's going to be like to see a positive pregnancy test and to have to surrender to the "not knowing" if everything is going to be alright in the end.

It is SO not supposed to be that way. Before I was ever pregnant, I used to daydream about all of the fun ways my hubby and I would get to tell our families that we're expecting. I want that back. And I'm sure there are other families who share the same desire to be able to experience joy and hope and laughter again when it comes to getting pregnant again.

So October 15th. Or, rather, ANY day! Let's do this. 


I still haven't been able to find the words to express our gratitude to our community who held us and loved us in a way that was literally not of this world. We are honored by all of the people who embraced Ellie and celebrated her and who still talk about her like she was so special. People who remember us on the 18th of the month and people who spent so much time praying for her (and celebrating her little victories) while she was in the womb. People who cooked for us and overwhelmed us with love. I so deeply recognized that you all were deeply affected by Ellie--that you really really grieve her with us.....it doesn't go unnoticed. You guys will never know the selflessness that you displayed. Well..........one day you will.