TODAY IS THE DAY...that I had a crappy day.

Meh. I'm at Starbucks where I meant to actually order a fancy drink but in reality I got nervous at the counter and ordered a decaf Americano. Which is delish, but I just felt like I needed something to lift the spirits a bit. Just kidding, only Jesus can do that which is WHY I'm actually just here killing time till I go to a 6pm church service at a random church that we don't go to because why not?

My coffee heard me say that and decided to spill all over my white scarf. Whatevs, didn't need you anyway.

I keep waiting for someone to message me and tell me to not go to so many churches. No one has yet. I'm glad. If you do, my response will be that church is a building and we are actually the church so I can do what I want and I just so happen to want to not be so politically correct all the time (frequently, I write posts and then delete them for fear of not being PC. Today I'm feeling feisty because I had a bad day and NOFILTER.) We DO have a home church. We love that place.

Yesterday started the crap-train that has been my weekend in that I woke up SEVERELY missing Ellie. It just happens, ya know. I can go weeks thinking nothing but joy when I think of her and other times shoot me in the face it hurts so bad. I have dreams about her in which the hospital experience just replays...its not even a dream it's just a complete moment for moment documentary of what actually happened and chris was there and sarah was there and there we were bathing her and talking to her and hugging her and wishing she were earthly alive and not eternity alive (her end of the deal= still better.)

When Chris realized I was ellie-sad he held me and I cried and he told me that when he woke up he felt like he had been talking to her. So these things usually happen on the same nights for us.

I got over it and chose, once again, to actually get up from bed and to continue breathing and then this morning at church every baby cry/giggle/sound made me ache from the deepest pit in my stomach.

"Heavenly rewards?" is what I repeat to myself in these moments, emphasis on the question mark. Because sometimes it feels SO not worth it to continue this fight..it seems so much easier, in my head, to give up. To stay in bed. To lay with her box of things that smell like her instead of waiting at Starbucks to worship the God who knew this would happen all along.

I, very fortunately, know enough to know that waiting on God is actually the only solution. Waiting on more healing, more restoration, more promises, more faithfulness. He's a merciful one, that is for sure. And a way better choice than pounding on the floor and not showering for the rest of ever.

So excuse me while I go angry-pray only to be met by intense non-angry-love.

Missing the freaking HECK out of you, Elliebear.

Urg I ALWAYS do a birthday post! *hits hand against forehead*

So Friday after work I called my mom who happened to be on a ski lift of all places..they had gone to sugar mountain to ski for the weekend and we were like..wait a minute..we want in on that. So we packed in ten minutes and jumped in the car and 6 hours later we were night skiing.

I'm browsing the store aisle when a woman walks up to me and asks me how I'm doing. I respond and then look down to notice the stack of flyers in her hand.

Kind lady:  "Have you heard of _______ cabel company? We're doing a special right now and I'm handing out flyers for it."
Me:  "Oh! No, I haven't...but we don't need it right now."
Kind lady:  "Oh, okay! Just out of curiosity, who do you use?"
Me: "Welllllllllll, nobody, actually. We don't really have a TV."
Kind lady:   (confused) "Wait......so.....how do you watch TV?"
Me: ....................we don't.
Kind lady:  (really confused) Ummmm. Hmm. So do you just watch stuff like on the internet?
Me:  ..............we don't have internet. I mean, we do watch some stuff on our phones, I guess, but we really don't watch much at all.
Kind lady: So........what do you do!?
Me:  (laughing) Well, my husband and I.....talk...and go outside...and hang out with friends...and cook..and tons of other stuff?
Kind lady:  Wow! Well, okay! Have a good day, then.

As I laughed and walked away, I remembered that I was in the store searching for the rest of the ingredients I needed to finish my homemade toothpaste.

Annnnnd just like that....we are that family.

No regrets, people. No regrets.

On to the goods: I made coconut oil toothpaste today NOT because we are major freaks of nature but rather that we have been on the coconut oil bandwagon for a long time now and Chris started using just plain coconut oil on his teeth after suffering multiple mouth sores that would get inflamed by "normal" toothpastes. (Due to the Sodium Lauryl Sulfate found in almost every toothpaste.)

To be honest, I've never had a mouth sore or canker sore in my life, but I DO recognize the inconvenience that it is since I frequently see how frustrating and painful it is when Chris gets them. I had been looking up recipes because I wanted to make him something that he could pump out of a soap dispenser, and I wanted to add some fun ingredients to make it feel more toothpastey for him.

*Here's what you need:

1 Soap or Lotion Dispenser OR any little container with a lid (This soap dispenser has a ceramic base and I got it for $1.88, but you can recycle one you've already used as well.)
1 cup of Coconut Oil
1 tablespoon of Peppermint Extract (Or mint, or lemon, or whatever you want!)
1 tablespoon of Baking Soda
2 tablespoons of Water
(OPTIONAL) A couple of drops of liquid stevia extract or stevia powder for taste. (We did NOT use this, simply because Chris could live the rest of his life without another taste of sugar and be totally fine because he's ridiculous. But what about me!? I'm okay with the non-sweet because clearly I'm super selfless.**)

*This recipe obviously yields a little more than a cup of toothpaste. You can multiple as you like for larger batches! This one filled my little soap dispenser about a third of the way up.
**HAHA.