Chris has to work two weeks (6 shifts total) of night shift and I'm just going to complain for two seconds because I can't stand it. I don't know how people do it forever and I am super lucky that I can go into work at night if needed so we're not on completely opposite schedules.

2 seconds over. Sorry.

I've been feeling soooo weird lately because this weather is outrageous and bipolar! My body is like WHATAREWEDOING..and we have winter clothes and summer clothes and spring clothes all over our house because we don't want to pack anything away at this point. Crazytown. I'm taking vitamins like I'm getting payed for it because ain't nobody got time to be sick up in here.

Happy Ash Wednesday. I'm majorly sad that we are missing, for the first time in years, our Ash Wednesday service at the Lilleypad. It was always one of my favorites. Thinking of you guys, Kim and Aaron!

I never gave up anything for lent until college..I'm not sure why. It wasn't a big thing in our house growing up and I never really thought about it..but I grew to love it once I studied fasting in general..not just during this season. While fasting from a variety of "things" can still be considered fasting, scriptural fasting meant giving up food and/or drink. There are so many cultures in which fasting is done regularly..and ours just isn't one of them. (Actually, I was just talking to Liz about this as she's in Africa and living in community with people who fast regularly.) But I was fortunate to live amongst community in my later college years that made it a habit for a variety of reasons (prayer, worship, etc.) I was blown away by the significance and beauty of fasting in a way I hadn't been before..so when lent came around I was excited to engage in a specific type of fasting to prepare for Easter. We don't give up things for lent because we feel like we have to, but we desire to use fasting as a form of worship and prayer in a way that is much more physical, which I love. It's a re-orientation and "turning" back towards God..and it's amazing how abstaining from something you eat/drink/do frequently really reminds you so much more throughout the day of your purpose here and the one who brought you.

I'm a fan. Thanks, Jesus. If you've never fasted before, I recommend researching fasting in scripture first to get grounded. You'll love it, promise.

"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return" (Gen3:19) are typically the words spoken when marked with ash, and in the past I always found this beautiful..but nowhere NEAR as beautiful as it is this year after Ellie. Those words just really hit a special place in my heart today because of her short life. I don't know how to describe the way it makes me feel--but I am surely reminded that our time here is so short...whether 9 months long or 90 years.......I want my whole life to be a turning towards the only Love that matters.

TODAY IS THE DAY...that I had a crappy day.

Meh. I'm at Starbucks where I meant to actually order a fancy drink but in reality I got nervous at the counter and ordered a decaf Americano. Which is delish, but I just felt like I needed something to lift the spirits a bit. Just kidding, only Jesus can do that which is WHY I'm actually just here killing time till I go to a 6pm church service at a random church that we don't go to because why not?

My coffee heard me say that and decided to spill all over my white scarf. Whatevs, didn't need you anyway.

I keep waiting for someone to message me and tell me to not go to so many churches. No one has yet. I'm glad. If you do, my response will be that church is a building and we are actually the church so I can do what I want and I just so happen to want to not be so politically correct all the time (frequently, I write posts and then delete them for fear of not being PC. Today I'm feeling feisty because I had a bad day and NOFILTER.) We DO have a home church. We love that place.

Yesterday started the crap-train that has been my weekend in that I woke up SEVERELY missing Ellie. It just happens, ya know. I can go weeks thinking nothing but joy when I think of her and other times shoot me in the face it hurts so bad. I have dreams about her in which the hospital experience just replays...its not even a dream it's just a complete moment for moment documentary of what actually happened and chris was there and sarah was there and there we were bathing her and talking to her and hugging her and wishing she were earthly alive and not eternity alive (her end of the deal= still better.)

When Chris realized I was ellie-sad he held me and I cried and he told me that when he woke up he felt like he had been talking to her. So these things usually happen on the same nights for us.

I got over it and chose, once again, to actually get up from bed and to continue breathing and then this morning at church every baby cry/giggle/sound made me ache from the deepest pit in my stomach.

"Heavenly rewards?" is what I repeat to myself in these moments, emphasis on the question mark. Because sometimes it feels SO not worth it to continue this fight..it seems so much easier, in my head, to give up. To stay in bed. To lay with her box of things that smell like her instead of waiting at Starbucks to worship the God who knew this would happen all along.

I, very fortunately, know enough to know that waiting on God is actually the only solution. Waiting on more healing, more restoration, more promises, more faithfulness. He's a merciful one, that is for sure. And a way better choice than pounding on the floor and not showering for the rest of ever.

So excuse me while I go angry-pray only to be met by intense non-angry-love.

Missing the freaking HECK out of you, Elliebear.