Don't worry you guys, I'm not spiraling into an abyss of offense if that's what you concluded from my last post. I was just trying to be a helpful friend that hoped to shed some light on the messy world of grief and loss. It's a struggle. There is grace. And I still believe in honesty. And for those that wondered--it was just about that one song. Because, you know, you can count on us to tell you if you say something crazy to us about our girls. We love them. God loves them.

We are home from a fun prayer type conference in Clemson with our dear friends that we miss SO much. I feel spoiled to have gotten to see all of them twice in a month...we should make that a habit.

I always leave those people feeling refreshed and encouraged and strengthened. We have this wonderful group of people around us (not just in Clemson) that are so consistent and amazing at holding our hands and hearts through life. Life long friendships, I am sure of it. I kept thinking all weekend. Shoot- what do people do who don't have friends like this!? Friends that ask hard questions, friends that get deep down below surface level conversations, friends that aren't intimidated by the mess. Friends that speak hard truth, loving truth, and encouraging words on the daily to one another. If you don't have community like that--seek it out! It has gotten us through many a hard day...all it requires is transparency, something we want to see more of in the world.

I love you people! My heart is full.

I'll provide an adoption update soon--not much has changed since last time! We are currently on the email list and receiving adoption "situations."

Guys. I have to. I'm sorry. I have to. For the love of my sanity, I can no longer continue to suppress this.

Let me tell you something that happens in the world of experiencing trauma-your ability to keep things bottled inside flys....jumps...dives out of the window. And I think that's okay sometimes. How can you expect a girl like me to deal with the raw emotions of losing two children back to back and then also expect me to bottle in all the things that come with it. I get so many messages and emails daily about loss and most of the time it's great. It's so supportive.

But there's another side to this world that you don't see. I am praised for being "honest" and "real" but there is so much I keep in. I never want to be praised. I never want to be recognized for how I have walked through loss. [I mean, really...who wants to be the poster child for infant loss. That's right--nobody.] I want people to know that I cry and cry in my shower. I want people to know that I almost punched a hole through the car window. I want people to know that I have thrown more things in the past two years than I would like to admit. You can ask my closest friends for a list of all of the angry things I have said about God. You can ask them about the meltdowns I have in their presence or over the phone. It's real. It happens.

I want people to know that there is an ugly side to being comforted.

I want people to know that it is hard to receive money on behalf of your child's death. And yet..with each of these situations, there is good. Our adoption fund is a prime example of all of the things that coexist together even though there is pain and grief on one side and joy and hope on the other.

I spoke with a lovely women yesterday who has adopted (and experienced loss) and she mentioned that one of the hardest parts in receiving comfort is that you can't possibly agree with how everyone decides to comfort. And what comforts me may not comfort person X who is also experiencing grief. And what doesn't comfort me might be the grandest form of comfort for the other person.

One day I hope to write and talk about comforting those who grieve because it fascinates me. This is probably why the great C.S. Lewis wrote a whole book about it. (Amazing, I might add.....amazing for me.....maybe not for person X.)

If I could give one and only one piece of advice for those who comfort the ones who mourn and grieve, it would be this:
 -Comforting those who mourn comes WITH the uncomfortable requirement to understand if how you are reaching out is helping or not. You give them the right to tell you. Correction: You should give them the right to tell you. When we choose to walk with people through their grief, we choose to stumble around..over our words, over our actions, and into this "dance" of mourning that can only be beneficial when all parties agree that every aspect of it is hard and when all parties agree that honesty MUST win. That's why people shy away. And I get that. And it's okay.

What if my instinct in reaching out to a grieving friend is to sit with them and hug them? (This IS my instinct, by the way.) But what if my hugs amplify the pain? Do I request that they accept my intentions--that my intentions are for good, and continue to expose them to something that hurts their grieving heart?

No. Because their capacity to handle pain is overwhelming in this time. I instead must accept the fact that I must change my tactics, and this can only happen if the grieving person is honest.

(I am immediately reminded of my sister in law, who literally CHANGES her typical hug FOR me because she knows how much I receive love from physical touch. That, my friends, is remarkable.)

I am a grieving person and I am here to be honest. This, here, is my soap box. And I am here to stand on it for an uncomfortable moment.

See, normally, if I didn't blast my life over the internet, I wouldn't have to even worry about writing this post--because I would only have a small circle of people around me to inform about how to help us in this insane time of longing for our children.

But this blog is a double edged sword..where my attempts to be genuine and real come with the responsibility to.........be genuine and real.

I have tried hard...very very hard...to mark this blog with our beliefs about our wonderful creator. I have tried very hard to convey our theology in a way that is non-threatening and non-condemning. I have tried hard to make this a place where people can get a different, albeit, biblical, perspective...but I am not naive to the fact that we come from different backgrounds...different churches....different denominations where we simply do not agree on all aspects of the gospel story of Jesus. I have been sent blogs with different values, different beliefs, different theology, and I have appreciated them for what they are worth...I have seen the silver lining..I have gleaned truth, but I have to tell you if you don't know by now that I am firm in my faith, and I.......

will
not
accept
that God "slays me."

You heard it right, and I apologize in advance if you are one of the multiple who have sent me this song, as I am clearly the poster child for it....for those who believe in the theology of it. I am not here to tell you you are wrong. I am here to tell you that both Chris and I disagree with the song.

It's funny, too, that I've told Chris for years how I can never ever relate to Shane and Shane's music...and here we are, in the most unfortunate of circumstances in regards to this song.

I am not a poster child of how God "ruins" me.

I don't want to be thought of when you hear this song.

I realize I'm making the above statement even harder.

I think the timing of the popularity of this song is very unfortunate for my life circumstances.

I give you permission to think of me when you hear this song if you promise to only think about how yes--I will NEVER stop praising the name of Jesus.

Here is (some) of an article that expresses my opinion of this song, from matthewpaulturner.com 

I come, God, I come

 **And lastly, now that I have offended you all, here is my favorite comment of the article, in which I am also in agreement:

The fact that John Piper is in the music piece is a huge indicator of the type of theology that accompanies this song and perhaps the artists. Piper belongs to a theological tradition that holds to the belief that not only is God the author of good, but He is also the author of evil. This tradition to which the neo-Reformed/hyper Calvinist tribe ascribes to is an extreme view of God’s sovereignty. Believing that He is in control of everything, both good and bad. And, that God uses evil to bring about good. Although it appears the Bible makes some allusions to this, it goes against every notion and character that we know about God as indicated in the Bible and through personal experience. In his outstanding book, “Against Calvinism” author and theologian Roger Olson finds the many cracks found in the theology of the neo-Reformed/hyper-Calvinism movement, including this one. I highly recommend it.

I love you all, I truly do. I bet this feels uncomfortable. And I am sorry. But I just cannot.

With more love than you know,
A grieving momma with the desire to be "actually" genuine, not "fake genuine," and also a desire to respectfully disagree.

P.S. Don't hate me.

If you need some comedic relief now that you've read this, I direct you to this thoughtful music video that is one of my favorites. (It contains zero amounts of theology.)

Hey everybody. This will be an exciting post. Because we could all use some excitement, am I right?

Elsie's service was on Saturday and it was beautiful. Everything went just as we imagined it should, and we packed tons of our dearly loved friends and family into a gorgeous room in a gorgeous house overlooking the water, and we filled said room with colorful balloons and candles and pictures of Elsie, because that seemed fitting. We cried and sang and listened and I got so many hugs that I felt like my arms were going to fall off which is a really really really good thing.

So to all of you who came, and to all of you who drove many hours just to spend a few with us--we are deeply moved. My heart was sad and happy at the same time..my mind was totally overwhelmed and totally at peace. All things that don't make sense but make total sense. I was reminded again of how grateful I am that I am able to experience a nearness of God that I had only ever experienced with losing Ellie. He surely is the comforter of those who mourn. Mourning can suck. Being comforted by God is indescribable. {And to my Bethel loving friends/DCF loves: did any of you listen to Kris' sermon from the very next day (Sunday the 11th!?) If not...you guys HAVE to go listen to it. I listened to it today and I cried when I thought of all of you. You guys are some intense spear holders. (You'll get it.) Go listen! And I love you!}

Anyways, so the main point of this post is to introduce you guys to where we are in the adoption process and to take you along with us on this ride. We are learning a lot and we feel really really really good about this.

First- the fundraiser. Good golly. I did NOT expect it to take off so quickly and we are blown away every single time we get an update. You guys are so generous. I can't even comprehend it. Please continue to share it as much as you want! The faster we can get it to where it needs to be, the faster we will be able to say YES to adoption situations that come our way! Which leads me to the next thing..

How does this all work!?

Well, first of all, we are headed down the domestic adoption route for the first child.

I was so happy to talk to a friend of mine who told me to look up one agency in particular that is based out of the Greenville area. They are called Special Link. Feel free to look them up! I emailed them right away after hearing about them, and they got back to me immediately.

See--I was slightly worried because the first step in this process is to get a home study completed. I didn't hesitate to contact our local adoption agency, but quickly found out that they no longer accept clients and they aren't even renting their office space anymore! (Not sure what's up with that.) I felt like this was already a brick wall that I had hit.

Buuuuuut, it wasn't. Because I included this news about our local agency in my email to Special Link, and they basically said, "No worries--we are going to send our person down to do your home study as soon as possible." The next day, I got in contact with the girl who does the home studies and she made an appointment with me right away for this Friday! Like....four days from now. She's heading down here on a Friday evening to come talk with us and get the ball rolling.

Mind blown.

What happens after the home study is complete, is that we will be put on a list of "waiting families" where we will get contacted when adoption situations arise. They will email us and describe to us certain situations in which newborns need to be matched with an adoptive family. This particular agency only places newborns. The birth families may be pregnant at the time that the situation is sent to us, or may have just given birth. Either way, we can review the situations and then say yes or pass. If we say yes to the situation, we begin to "apply" for it by letting them know of our interest and then we will send our adoption profile to the birth family so that they can take a look. Here is an example of a few pages from our adoption profile: