Sorry, folks! I've been over here..erm....staring at my son.

No, really. That's what I've been doing..

.....along with supporting my hubby as he worked his HINEY off to renovate our new place (work in progress) and moving and yadda yadda.

So alas, we are here in our new home. I am fixing things here and there, painting during naps (ha, Shepherd's naps, that is. Nobody wants to see me paint while sleeping. Bad idea. Real bad), and slowly getting the place to feel like home--which is my favorite part, maybe the only likeable part, about moving for me. I have been posting photos of the renovation over on my instagram (tateylove) with the hashtag #taterenovate if you have missed all of this, but I will take some good qualify "after" pictures once we get more settled.

I'm not sure if Shepherd even realized we moved, but he's doing wonderfully. He weighs in at about 11 pounds, he's officially too big for newborn clothes (insert sobbing and packing of tiny clothes) and he's a solid 0-3 month size..except for his feet. His feet are long. And adorable. He's just now starting to smile and give me a break, people, the joy that comes with those first smiles....it's too much.

The past few months still seem so surreal and so mindblowing. Adoption really is just the greatest gift and I feel so honored every single day that it is officially a part of our story. Getting to be Shepherd's mama is indescribable.

I'm not sure if I posted on here yet about our genetic testing or not, but we meet with the geneticist in a couple of weeks to talk about our genes that appear to be completely normal. It has been incredibly frustrating for me to sort all of this out in my heart as we so hoped we would have some answers. We are faced with the decision to gamble with every pregnancy (an estimated 25% chance each time) or choose to permanently end our journey with biological parenthood via permanent birth control procedures--both options are so crappy, but we are weighing our options and praying that clarity will come. Infant loss and fertility issues come with so many ugly layers..I am finding more and more that I must remember where my worth comes from. And it does NOT come from biological motherhood.

I'm always feeling as though I'm coming to the end of myself over and over again as we turn each corner of this journey...and discovering each time that there is room for strength and room for bravery and room for grace and tears. I have learned more about myself in the past two and a half years than I can describe. I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude for Chris and the man that he is. I honestly couldn't have a better life partner. His heart is so kind and gentle towards me and he simply gets it. We both have seen the most raw, vulnerable, dark places in one another--yet the commitment and bond we share continues to reach deeper. I can't say I'm glad about what we've been through, but I am so in love with him and I am so glad to know the fire has refined us and not burned us. Cheers, my amazing man! It's all up from here! *nervous laughter* Right!? (JK.)

So anyway- these are my random, semi-cohesive thoughts that roll in and out of my brain all day these days. There has been so much on my heart and I'll come back soon to sort through it all, but for now just know that we are here and we are good.

Love,
Tates 3/5

OH WOW. This post. You guys. This is so exciting to type.

Forgive me that my brain is everywhere, but I am getting sent pictures of my SON (ahhh!) via my phone and it's taking all my strength to focus on getting things ready.

So in Alabama the mother has 5 days to change her mind, so we will not drive down (torture) until Thursday. The agency we are working with has no doubt in their mind that the birth family is committed, and they have followed up with her each day since his birth (April 28th) and she feels so positive about her decision and about US! She chose us for her son and she said she felt an immediate connection to us when she looked through our profile.

I can't tell you much about the situation, but all involved are healthy, both emotionally and physically. This case is considered a "clean" and uncomplicated situation..so we feel very very very blessed about that.

Back to how it all happened:
On Thursday (April 30th) I got a text from our agency director about a little boy who was born on the 28th and needed a family. She said that the Alabama agency (who already had our profile) wanted to present us for this baby! Usually when you are presented for a baby, the mother is still pregnant and has a month or more left to go, so we knew if this mother picked us, we would have to get our stuff together right away!!

Carri (with our agency) told us that the presentations were going to take place on the following day (May 1st) and that we would hear ASAP if we were selected or not. For some reason, I was just so hoping this was the one. I can't explain why, but there was another situation we were eligible to present for a couple of weeks from now, and I just kept going back and forth about it. I told Chris multiple times that I just wasn't sure about it, but I had no concrete reasons as to why. (That baby is due June 9th.)

So May 1st comes (yesterday) and it is presentation day! I was a mess! So anxious ALL day long. I tried to distract myself with friends and cleaning and other random activities, but it was a nerve racking and the hours seemed to creep by sooooooo slowly.

It gets to be 5pm and I had gotten a few messages from Carri wondering if I had heard anything from the Alabama people because she hadn't heard at all. She said she hated to even think this but she had a hunch they didn't pick us (because it was so late in the day) and that the Alabama agency just hadn't gotten around to letting all of the unchosen families know. I agreed and I started to feel disappointed, but I didn't want to fully give up until I got the email. The Alabama agency is typically fast at responding, so we were confused as to why we hadn't heard anything. Carri even started to text them rather than email just to see if she could find anything out.

Eventually it was 5:30...then 6...then 6:30...then 7...and at around 7:30 I was SURE we didn't get selected and I started to think about the situation that was to come in the following weeks so that I could cheer myself up. Chris got home from work around 8 and by that point I was positive that there was no way in the world they had selected us as we thought we would hear for sure by the end of the work day.

We talked on the phone with his Aunt and ate a couple of bites of dinner and all of the sudden it was around 8:30 and I looked down at my phone to see that Carri was calling me. My heart skipped a little bit, but I still didn't have high hopes. I thought for sure she was calling to explain why it took so long for them to tell us we weren't selected.

As soon as I answered, Carri started to talk but I couldn't read in her voice if there was excitement or disappointment! I'm sure only moments passed, but it felt like forever as I tried to get a feel for what was going on. All of the sudden she said "SHE CHOSE YOU GUYS!" And I fell to the ground crying hysterically...to the point that I could not even speak a word! I mumbled to Carri that I needed a moment to process and she laughed and screamed and was full of so much joy. I cried and cried and told her over and over again that I was SO SURE they didn't pick us because of how late it was and how shocked I was that we had him!

She went on to tell me that it took the Alabama agency 4 hours to drive to meet the birth mother, and then it took the birth mother forever to get to them due to transportation issues. Finally they met and presented and she picked us.

I was so deeply touched to find out that because of Ellie and Elsie, she really felt like she was giving us a gift. (Gift=understatement.) She is BRAVE enough to view her loss as our gift because of our girls, and that makes absolutely no sense to me because surely I could never be that strong. She mentioned it again to the agency today when they called to check on her. She just feels so confident and she sounds so full of love for this baby. She told the agency that she felt like we would be good parents to him because we appear so full of love and joy in our photos. Oh. my. heart.

You guys. He is beautiful. He is precious. It hurts my heart that we can't be there right now, but he is SO WORTH THE WAIT. He is worth everything we've been through. He is seriously seriously worth it. We are in love already, solely through pictures and only because of the love of God. You guys. I can't even explain it. His pictures make me feel the exact same feelings I had when I first saw Ellie and Elsie. I can only imagine what it will be like in person.

For now, we are SO grateful for his sweet caretakers, who will let me call and get as many photos as I want. They are such a sweet sweet family. He is in good hands waiting to join our family, and he has no idea how much he has already been prayed for!

We are waiting to reveal his name until we see him in person, but I dreamt of his name months ago for a little boy, before I ever knew he existed and before I ever knew if we would be matched with a boy. In my dream we had African American boy and I was calling him by this name. Sure enough..here he is..just a couple of months later. He is lovely, you guys, just lovely.

We can't WAIT to share him with you. As you've probably seen on our facebook posts, we still need massive help in fundraising. I don't even know how to express my thankfulness for how much you guys have already given. I can't even understand such generosity but it is incredible. We think that the total amount will be right around (or maybe a little over) $25,000. We know that God is the ultimate provider and we know that he LOVES adoption...so we are waiting in expectation for this complete gift! Our fundraiser can be found at http://www.gofundme.com/jod1mo

WOW you guys. Just wow. I can't believe this is my life right now! It doesn't feel real. It's incredible.


With love,
Chris and Jordan and Baby T-to-be

There is no better time to write a post about the Choose Joy conference than right NOW when I am not feeling very full of joy at all. I'm choosing joy today in the midst of some spiritual attack, but like we talked about, choosing joy doesn't always mean feeling happy.

We had an amazing amazing amazing time. I realized as the trip got closer, a lot of people were unaware of the details of the trip and what/how we won, and then I realized that that's because I did a horrible job of blogging about it, so I'll start there.

When I was pregnant with Elsie, I started following an organization called "Faithful Adoption Consultants (FAC)" on instagram based on recommendations from friends. I am not on facebook often, but they post on there too and if you have a facebook account or an IG account, you NEED to follow them. They are such a beautiful group of people and they match families with babies who need homes super fast...and super prayerfully (which is even more important.)

Their posts made my heart so happy, and I continued to follow them as we walked through losing Elsie and into having our homestudy done with an adoption agency in Greenville.

About three months ago, and while our homestudy was being processed, I saw a post on instagram from FAC that linked a 'giveaway' post with two other instagram accounts: the first being "@ChooseJoyEvent" and the other "@TheAdoptShoppe." (ALL worth following if you are even just mildly interested in adoption..) So this post pops up and it says that you can enter to win "the biggest adoption giveaway ever," which included an expenses paid trip to a conference called Choose Joy, a fundraising packet from the Adopt Shoppe, and a consultation with FAC. I reposted the photo with the proper hashtag for the giveaway and then I literally forgot about it because I have never in my life won anything. Ever.

A week later I log onto instagram to post a picture of Chris jumping at a trampoline park because we were having a SUPER crappy couple of days and we decided we needed some trampoline therapy. We leave, I go to post, and I find out that we won the stinking giveaway. And then I saw that there were over 500 entries.

I flipped my lid. Ask Chris. It's true. And at that point I didn't even know where the adoption/infertility/infant loss conference was because I definitely did not think we were going to win so I obviously didn't research it!

As directed, I emailed Emmy, the beautiful human being who created the Choose Joy conference, and let her know that we were claiming our prize, and everything got set up from there! The conference was in Laguna Hills, California, and we were flown out there to stay and attend the most amazing conference I've ever been to in my life.

The conference focused around infertility and adoption, and we were each able to pick four breakaway sessions to attend throughout our time there. Chris and I went to one together, but then there were a few sessions geared towards men only, so he wanted to make sure he went to those. I'm glad we split up because we are now able to compare notes on a variety of subjects! Good plan, Tates. We were only at the conference for a day and a half, but it seems like it was much longer because of how deeply you connect with everyone there. Everyone there had a story that involved unimaginable pain. As one of the speakers told me, it totally sucks that this conference has to be a thing, but because it is...I'm extra thankful that I was in a room with tons and tons and tons of people who have stumbled into the world of parenthood with one tragic situation after another. It was a room full of people who have not had it easy when it comes to growing their families, yet it was a room full of people who were straight up BRAVE.