but I thought I would be oh so kind enough to post a list of what I consider to be relatively important parenting tips that I have learning through working with [my internship agency]. I know, I know..I'd be skeptical too if I were you, considering I have no parenting experience whatsoever at this point. Just calm down, grab a notepad and a pencil, and jot these little numbers down.

1. If you are a drug addict and you are also pregnant, the time during the pregnancy which would be LEAST harmful to the baby to do your drugs........is NEVER.

2. If you are pregnant and are going into labor, I've heard that it is painful. SO, if you have un-prescribed prescription painkillers it is best to just go ahead and take them NOT SELF-MEDICATE YOUR LABOR PAINS with un-prescribed pain-pills that you bought in a drug deal.

3. If you want to physically abuse your child, the best age to do it (as to best avoid psychological and physical damage) is NEVER.

4. When those high-maintenance children of yours intrude upon your drug use schedule, just do it in the same room as them. (Getting to be a parent AND use your drugs at the same time!? BONUS.)

4. When you FREQUENTLY USE DRUGS IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOUR CHILDREN, THEY TEST POSITIVE TOO. Imagine that.

5. And lastly, a fun fact! If you decided to disregard the advice in number 1 of this list, and now you want to know why your two month old child has been screaming his head off day and night since his birth date..it's because he is going through withdrawal because he was born addicted to your drugs.


This concludes our time talking about five profound and non-obvious parenting tips! If you try to tell me that these are actually VERY obvious, I will kindly give you multiple examples of how this just can't be true. And lastly, I will take a break from my obvious sarcasm to say..What the heck, people. Children. CHILDREN are precious gifts from God. Abstain from the acts that got you pregnant or invest in some birth control if you can't handle it.