I've decided to go ahead and post this so that it will come from me and with explanation, but today I officially (and quite emotionally) resigned from my position at work in order to take the proper time to heal and rest after losing our Ellie. :(

This decision did NOT come easy and I wrestle with it even now, but I do know that this is going to be best for our family and for moving forward. I absolutely loved my job and the amazing people I worked with, and I know that leaving will not end our friendships! The position I was in definitely requires a strong spirit and intense mental strength, both of which I do not have right now (at least to the degree that is necessary for the job.) I did not want to do merely a sufficient job when I returned, but am sure that that's what it would have been had I gone back a few weeks from now.

I really do hope that this is not the end of my time there or in this field of work--but in the meantime I will be recovering with my sweet husband and moving forward to have an even stronger family in the end.

So to Molly, Mark, Megan, Katie, Lisa, Laura, Kellie, Leslie, Stephanie, Shatokia, Nicholas, and everyone else: I SUPER love you guys and am ridiculously grateful and blessed to know you all. Seriously. 

TEAM GATORS.
:)

I'm so thankful for everyone who has sent me such great feedback on the post about my struggles with empathy right now. Totally awesome and life giving. I'm working through it and know that I'll be able to look back and see how this is all shaping me post-Ellie.

Holla!

What's new around here?

Getting SUPA freakin' pumped about this cruise in 2 weeks and I can barely stand it. I haven't been excited about anything since who remembers when. It feels good. Feels really good to have something to look forward to in the midst of all of the hurt and the NOT looking forward to most day to day things without Ellie. Can't get over how kind and generous our family is. UGH. Side note..I can't wait till the day we can surprise people with cruises and stuff. I mean. It's amazing to be on this end of it and we'd lovvvvvvve to be the givers. SO cool.

Anybody wanna know a fun fact about me? I own zero pairs of heels.(Pretend you didn't read that, Mandy.) I started packing already some things for the vacay and thought about what to wear for fancier nights and bam. I realized it. Not even from my wedding because I wore Toms. So. Nothing. None. I decided I'd get a pair to take so that I can pretend I'm fancy.

In other news, I tried to make cold brewed iced coffee for the first time yesterday because my friend posted about how she did it and I trust just about everything she says and just about everything the Pioneer Woman says, and the PW also has a really good looking recipe. I guess before I was just really worried that it wouldn't be strong enough. But it totally is and it's delicious, so if you haven't tried it you should! (I used to just make coffee in the coffeemaker and then put it in the fridge until cold. Cold brewed coffee tastes different and better.)

Because this is turning into the most boring post of my life I'm going to end it.

(I'm secretly writing this post to detract attention away from Caroline and the cruise. Shhhhhhhhh. Kidding. I love my family.)


No, but actually..I was thinking about a lot of things today and one of them being this issue I notice I'm having.......and I think it's normal but I also don't want certain aspects of it to stay.

Let me explain.

Because we've just been through something traumatic, I find myself becoming extremely judgmental of people who complain about their problems (albeit on facebook, in person, wherever) because in my head all I can really think about is "Are you kidding me? You're complaining to me about your grocery store experience? My child just died. Would you like to switch problems?"

I don't like myself when I do this.

So on the one hand, it's like...
I don't want ANYBODY to go through what we've been through. Nobody. Ever. It's not everyone else's fault that their "spectrum" of stress or problems is more narrow than mine. If you've never been through anything traumatic...then yeah, I bet it WAS really stressful when that car pulled out in front of you and flicked you off or that your manager had to be more constructive than usual about your work. Who am I to downplay other peoples' problems just because I'm semi-emotionally numb and literally you could probably walk up to me and punch me in the face it's not really going to bother me because, well, shoot.......nothing can compare on my "horrible things" scale to losing Ellie.

And then on the other hand it's like..
No. I can't actually pretend to care that your spouse forgot to pay the phone bill and now your phone is shut off. Because that's not a freaking problem [because remember that time that none of your children died?] [see the judgment.]

So the problem is that I absolutely don't want to lose the ability to be empathetic with others. I think that empathy is wildly important in relationships. But I also don't want to over-emphasize stupid problems that aren't even problems. Where's the line?

You know people that have been to like every single third world country ever and they make you feel straight up evil if you leave a crumb of food on your plate because OTHERKIDSCANTEVENEAT. I don't want to be that person.

I don't want to tell everyone to shutupbecauseyourlifeisactuallygoinggreat.

And I also don't want to let people waste precious minutes or hours of their lives complaining about crap that doesn't matter because I'm sorry I can't help it and I wish I didn't but I really DO know the value of life and the pain of tragedy and the silliness of worrying about things not worth worrying about. Don't you wish people could just feel that without actually feeling that?

Seriously. I know that this is why my parents are so chill about things. They know what it's like. It seems that I used to call them with things that I thought were huge problems at the time and they just never even get worked up and it's awesome. They still know how to relate, though. Part of that is just wisdom, I think.

I want to get upset about things that deserve to get upset about. I want to be moved to action to help people in need. I want to be kind and gentle and compassionate towards my friends and family and strangers. I just don't want to encourage foolish and ignorant conversations and debates and issues.


*disclaimer.
I want to hear about what you're going through. I do.
I'm admitting that this is a struggle of mine right now.

Someone close to me made a good point, that "pain and frustration on any level is a burden and we have to help others carry it." I agree with that. That's exactly what I'm wrestling with. But what I'm also thinking through is the idea that I play a part in allowing certain things to and to not burden me...especially trivial things. Do we still need to love each other through them? Yes. But we have some control.

My question is not if we should overlook any kind of pain or frustration or to decide if it is "worthy" enough or not of attention. My real question is if we can help one another to put day to day pains and frustrations on a more eternal scale.

Well. Apparently we happen to have family members who think it is acceptable to surprise us with..say..a CRUISE.

And they are going to read this post and be embarrassed maybe because they are the type of people that are so humble and amazing and knowing them they probably don't even think it's a big deal. BUT IT IS. So, Jon and Caroline--love you guys SO much and now hundreds and hundreds of people are going to know it was YOU. muahahaha! Kidding. But guys--seriously what in the world.

Chris has one break and it's a week in the middle of August before his final semester of nursing school starts. Nursing school has been insane schedule-wise and it's just terrible that Chris hasn't been able to process everything with Ellie yet...we are so anxious for December when he's done so that we can finally take it easy and move on a little bit.

So we planned to use this one time break going down to Florida with some friends to stay at a beach house. Jon and Caroline saw this as an opportunity to surprise with a getaway because obviously they are CRAZY and ridiculously incredible. They told Chris before me because they had to figure some stuff out and I basically don't know how Chris got any sleep and kept this from me because HOLYMOLY.

So, my friends, in two weeks we're heading out from Florida for a week long cruise. And we are going to take millions of pictures and we are going to LAUGH and REST and PLAY away from this crazy crazy crazy time we've been having.

I woke up in the middle of the night and thought this was a dream. Literally. And then I remembered it wasn't and cried again. Generosity and love like this just floors me.

Which leads me to say that EVERYONE who has given to us and prayed for us and sent us cards and letters and gifts..guys.........you all are unreal. It doesn't even make sense.We are utterly amazed....I've never walked through anything like what we've been through, so clearly (and thankfully) we have nothing to compare it to....but I know that that it goes so far beyond what any person would ever expect to receive in a time like this. I can barely think past any memory of Ellie..much less our needs and cooking and anything like that. So...............just thank you so much. I hate that those words don't do any of this the justice they deserve.


'The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Why yes, I did spend the larger portion of my falling asleep time stalking the instagram of Mackelmore. Thanks for asking.

We get on such weird kicks around here. For a while we discovered that the only thing youtube was really good for was watching our Pax video where our cat attacks himself in a mirror get thousands and thousands of likes and then watching every video made by Arturo Trejo. Now we've discovered these new sketches called "Conversations with my 2 year old" where this dad has decided to re-enact conversations he's had with his 2 year old daughter except the part of his 2 year old daughter is played by a fully grown man. Hilarious. Seriously.

For the record..I know next to nothing about Mackelmore except that I like his rapping voice and I randomly stumbled across his instagram. I don't know why I'm defending myself.

Anyways. The thing I'm trying to confess is that Chris and I caved and got iphones. Mainly because his phone completely lost the ability to text.

He's at school all day long. I'm depressed all day long and always on the verge of an Ellie breakdown. Me not being able to reach him at this time in my life=heck no. My phone was crappy too (just not as bad as his.) I can't count how many voicemails, calls, and texts just never came in and then people are secretly mad at me and think I'm ignoring them. Also, my mom and brother are always sending like those smart phone group texts which always came to my phone as "picture mail" which I couldn't open or else my phone would shut down.

But, for the record, we still don't have a TV or a microwave. So there.

It's strange how certain days are wildly more difficult than others. I think that while I was pregnant, my expectation of the grieving process was so different than what it actually entails. I thought that the worst day would be the one where the bad thing happens..and that each day onward gets steadily easier. That's totally not the case and of course it's not..it totally make sense, but wishful thinking I guess.

You mean to tell me that this is the controversial commercial everyone's been talking about? THIS!? *slaps hand to forehead*



As a family who wants to adopt children outside of our own race...it literally appalls me that anyone could UGH. AH. can't even finish. I had to watch the video twice to even try and pick up on anything that could be taken as "controversial."

Come on, humanity...come on.

K so. Rough morning. The "eye doctor" told me the wrong "appointment time" so now I have to wait like an "hour" (these are my conspiracy quotations for emphasis) and anyways I'm a decent person so I didn't get upset and also they have wifi so holllaaa ima steal all da internets.

Whatever. I'm not a food photographer so NOT apologizing for my terrible pictures and also I had to will myself SO hard to take a picture after each step because that's so not my style (aka super impatient) so I should get an award. Also, this meal is delicious. Also, we added a TON of cheese because I happen to have a husband who daydreams about how amazing life would be like if he could be fully sustained physically by cheese alone. So, do as you wish with the recipe--I'm sure a million other mixtures would taste amazing!

What you'll need (to feed 2 people):
-One large zucchini
-One chicken breast
-Bacon (5-6 slices)
-Olive oil, salt and pepper
-Cheddar to grate

The mixture (but you can use anything!):
-Half of a sweet onion, chopped
-Half of a tomato, chopped
-Inside of the zucchini, chopped
-Freshly grated parmesan
-Bacon, cooked and chopped
-Cream Cheese/Neufchatel

Last night I had a bit of insomnia. I've found that the hardest moments are the ones in which I can't stop imagining what life would be like if she actually were here. How she'd be sleeping right next to our bed and how I'd be taking pictures and videos of her and sharing them with all our friends and family. How this blog would be all kinds of full of baby-ness. It gets to be unbearable when reality sets back in and I realize that we don't have her and that we won't have another baby around for a good amount of time while my body heals and while we heal. I talked about this in a previous post, but it is just the strangest thing to feel like a mother and  not have your baby. You carry them and rub them and pray for them in the womb and this insanely profound connection and bond develops between the two of you and then all of the sudden its over and she's gone. The connection doesn't leave and the bond is still there. And it's just this void..

I got up the nerve during my insomnia to type "Grieving the loss of a baby" into google, which I've never done before and I was terrified at what was going to pop up..and a lot of what I saw was what I expected--medical related articles about how apparently this is just one of the worst things to go through as a human being. I didn't want to hear that or see that or let that settle. But of course, God knew what I needed and a link popped out to me that was written by John Piper. It was the only link with a picture (of him) by it so it caught my attention right away. Granted, Ellie wasn't a stillborn, BUT the essence of this letter is just so true and so comforting. Sentences in bold are my own emphasis.

Earlier this year, a grieving mother, who recently had given birth to a stillborn son, wrote to me asking for counsel and comfort. The team at Desiring God thought this letter might be helpful to some others, whether other mothers who have lost infants, parents who have lost young children, or perhaps even more broadly.

Ah, here. An analogy:

If the entirety of nursing school were the Harry Potter series (this is happening) then the month of July is the Order of the Phoenix. It's scary and dark and also necessary in order to complete the story that is nursing school but sometimes I want to cry and also throw the book before moving forward and I'M NOT EVEN THE ONE ATTENDING NURSING SCHOOL. Empathetic wife? More like IWANTMYHUSBANDBACK and also if I ever ever needed him ever at all it's like right now clearly is the time. Hello.

If you haven't read Harry Potter you should just stop right this second and slap yourself on the hand and go retrieve them. And if you disagree with me and think that the Deathly Hallows is actually the darkest book then I'll deal with you later.

That's all the analogies I have for today.

But I do know that I'm tired of seeing my sweet husband go to sleep all stressed out and never feeling accomplished and overwhelmed with a work load that doesn't end because seriously? Have you met this guy? He is the hardest worker I know. And let's be honest. I would never have the emotional capacity to lose my child and then begin back at school not even a week later. Granted, yes, he is going to need time to decompress after all this is over but for real. He's so strong.

If you recall correctly, this means that July is by far the worst month of nursing school...but JUNE. June was by far the worst month of, say, our LIFE. We're 2 for 2, people.

So, August, my friend..you better freaking rock.

And, Chris, here's a picture of us kissing (to remind you of better times) while that mean lady was watching us (gross, PDA) and so offended because we're so scandalous (give me a break) and it was raining so OBVIOUSLY we had to pass the time some how, am I right am I right!? Love you to the moon.

This song today. Reminding me so much of my Ellie.

I got my hair did. I never ever do anything crazy to my hair. This doesn't even really count as crazy but to me it does. My mom is super brave with her hair and she is extra brave with it when she's going through something stressful. It's like her coping mechanism. Clearly she passed it on to me and clearly my life has been just dandy until, say 5 months ago because I've never felt the urge. But alas. It has arrived. One wouldn't think I'd be that hesitant to mess with my hair because I have and have had plenty of piercings and a tattoo. Those things don't phase me. But my mom is right. She's all like, "It's just hair."

SO I did this this to it:

Oh my gosh. My brother in law wrote a song about Ellie. I can't make it through the whole thing yet but good gosh. No words.



Love you so much, Bri.

It's a good thing I decided that writing was therapeutic BEFORE my life got insane so that I didn't have to discover what to do with myself in the midst of the chaos.

And you all get to join me as I share because sharing is caring and I'm totally not strong enough to do this alone. You're welcome. So let me just confess:

It's quite the trial healing from the insane thing that is a c-section with no baby to make it worth it. Every day I get to look at the couple of stretch marks at the bottom of my belly and my 6 inch incision and wonder how little I would care if I had Ellie in my arms. But on the flip side I don't mind them..because clearly I wish she were with me, no need to even say that--but if this is the way it has to be then I'm glad she marked my body.

I'm sure this is going to come as a surprise to many of you, but I'm basically a really stubborn person. Jokes. Everyone and their brother knows this. But I'm pretty sure Ellie was too because she made it WAY longer than any doctor thought she would. And her dad's stubborn too but he won't admit it. Because he's stubborn. But basically what I'm trying to say is that the day I got home from the hospital I essentially ran up the flight of stairs to our door and my mom and husband and other mom and sister in law were there to witness it. I didn't literally run. That's insane. But my pain meds were out of my system by then and I didn't pause at all on any given step. This was probably dumb of me because I got inside, sat down on the couch and then cried for like 5 seconds because it hurt pretty friggin' bad--but for some reason I felt that if I stopped long enough on any one stair to rest, I'd realize how bad I hurt and then I'd feel defeated.

This is my problem.

Because I write and I keep busy and I listen to music and screw around and recover stools and then at the end of the day I realize that I'm too scared to just stop because of how bad it hurts. So last night before bed, I grabbed Ellie's box and I forced myself to hold her dress and smell her beanie and her blanket and I made myself do it alone. Then Chris found me and obviously he makes everything better but that's not the point. The point is that I'm the queen of running from myself. Sometimes I refuse to even listen to worship music because it forces me to think of heaven and eternity and then I get immensely jealous that God is with her and I am not. And that thought leads me down to a darker place of wondering what it would be like to just not be here.

Pause. Not suicidal. Promise. It's just a dark place, ya know? So I just smelled her and cried into her blanket and allowed myself to feel really freaking awful because that's what it feels like.

This is progress. I am proud of myself.

And this has been enough thinking about it all for today, so I'm going to go drink some wine and make Christopher hug me.