Hard to sleep last night because I was reliving the surgery and the whole hospital experience as it was four weeks to the day. It's weird how even with the passage of time comes these intense memories and floods of feeling.

The one memory that keeps hitting me is the one where the doctor comes over to tell us she is not going to be able to be stabilized and asks if we want to hold her or have them keep going. We choose to hold her and they bring her to me and it's the first time I see her. Even though she was moments away from death (or I should say moments away from a whole lot of life) she was so peaceful and the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I had always heard that when mother's give birth to their babies, they always think that they are the most perfectly formed and beautiful things on the earth. That is absolutely one of the truest things ever and I can't wait to experience it again in the future. She was perfect. Through the sobbing and kissing her I heard Chris say over and over and over again "She's just so sweet, she's just so sweet" and it made me fall in love with him even more while I got to fall in love with my girl.

Last night was hard.

Joy comes in the morning.