Does anyone else think it's so feisty for google to be like "ummm, you changed your password 7 MONTHS ago," when you enter it wrong? Clearly 7 months is not enough time to figure it out and it's sorta hard to remember what I was going to write about after they've gotten all sassy.

Normally I don't post my photography ventures on this blog because I try to keep the personal life separate from the work life but let's be real I'm an artist and I'm pretty sure we get to break all the rules. What I'm trying to say is that I photographed a wedding this weekend and the first time I met this lovely couple was at their engagement session when I was pregnant with Ellie, but seriously....this was my first wedding back after she passed away so I was sorta nervous about how everything would feel. Basically it was no stress. All love. They passed out jars of moonshine for their toast. The weather was dreamy. I'm back in biz-ness.






So..........that happened. Did I mention my hubtastic man shot with me? That's right, he WASN'T in clinicals. First full weekend we've had together in I don't know...ten years? That's what it feels like. I'm more over nursing school than I was the last time I said that.

One of my best friends gets married in two weeks. I'd say more about that but I'm emotional in general and extra emotional when I think about her wedding.

Next weekend we'll be in Charleston and ALSO totally looking at potential places to make our abode. OHMYWORD I literally just said that. I might hyperventilate and my hopes are totally up so if this doesn't happen somebody please come hold me while I cry.

I'm kidding. There would be benefits to staying around here......namely friends and our church but guys....THE BEACH. THE SAND. THE SUN. THE GOODNESS FOR MY SOUL. Plus, who doesn't like to visit the beach, right? So our friends could technically thank us for providing them with a free vacation spot amiright!?

Ellie, Ellie, Ellie. What to say about Ellie. She's my heart.

Shalom, friends.

Long time no blog.

That sounds so lame. Don't even care. I left my computer at our church and I forgot that we have another one sitting in our house except it doesn't work very well and it's been nice to actually not have my computer. I sorta need it back though in a couple days because we're shooting a wedding. So. Warning. This post=not exciting.

Life has felt sorta weird lately. Mainly because Chris' semester KINDA is slowing down, in that I got to see him for longer than thirty minutes yesterday and it was like a flashback to the better days before he went back to school. We went running. (You guys, it feels amaaaazing to be able to run again. Stupid c-section.) We thought about playing tennis and then didn't but hey it was still an option. We took a nap. I gave him a haircut. We goofed off and did other random activities. So basically...I really really can't wait until he's finished.

Speaking of that. We have no idea where we're going to live after December! We're only in this apartment until then and then it's sort of wherever he gets a job. Fingers crossed for Charleston because I need to be back there and we belong at the beach. Erryday. (If you wanna pray for us in that regard, we won't stop you!)

Fun fact! We've moved 5 times in 2.5 years. Us=nomads. That's why we hardly have any furniture. I typed that and pictured everyone who reads this imagining us sleeping in sleeping bags and eating dinner off of the floor and/or countertop. We have enough furniture, just not any extra stuff like.......bed frames. But seriously, I really hope the next time we move it will be to a location that we will be staying in for longer than six months. Now that I've said that....probs not gonna happen.

The problem is we don't like commuting. Excess time in the car=excess time not doing other things that are more fun than being in a car. So we moved when Chris got his first job, moved when he went back to school, moved when I got my job, etc. Before I left DSS I was totally diggin' how I lived 3 minutes away. So anyway...the point of all of this is in the next couple of months everything will change. Again. For the better, this time. It can only go uphill from here, right? (Hear the desperation.)

I have nothing of substance to discuss here today, except that I think the world would be a better place if people stopped talking about Miley Cyrus and if more people were like this guy. Click it. You won't regret it. If he doesn't run for president I'm just going to go ahead and write his name in. Who's with me.

You guys. We have 4, count it-FOUR, weddings to go to in October. So, don't invite us to do anything or we'll have to turn you down. But..November! Holla! (Last full month of nursing school, I'm already hyperventilating.)

 Jordan needs more coffee and for it to stop raining.
G'day.

 
Me: (working on something) "Chris--I need to think for a minute. Can you try not to talk really quick?" (He wasn't talking to me..he was thinking out loud.)*
Chris: But it helps me work if I can think out loud! Can't you just tune me out?
Me: ....no
Chris: Well then you're gonna hear me roooaaarrr.

Thanks, Katy Perry.


*disclaimer: when you read the above conversation it sounds like I was being really mean..to which I say that tone is everything and I'm obsessed with my husband so don't worry. If I was mean, he would have responded with "Hey. You're being mean," rather than with Katy Perry lyrics...because we tell it like it is around here.

Although, wouldn't it be funny if we were fighting and we fought solely with Katy Perry lyrics? Kidding, I don't know any. Something about a plastic bag floating through the wind or something?

 Also, it doesn't make sense that Roar gets to be on the radio and Sara Bareilles' "Brave" doesn't get to be. Sara is way better. Such is life.


Guys! The DCF ARTFUL WORSHIP EVENT beings TONIGHT and runs through Saturday evening! There's loads of AMAZING art there and there will be performances and other worshipful art funtivities..so you should come out. It's drop-in style.
(101 Keith Street, Clemson, SC.)

I left my hubs for the weekend this past weekend to go to a sozo prayer training conference with some friends at my old church in Mt. P. Technically my hubs left me first because he had clinicals all weekend so I was forced to make plans and those of you that know us know that we don't like to be apart so this was a big stinkin' deal. Mostly I knew that I needed to be confronted by Jesus (aka stop being a BUTT and listen to what he's telling me) since I haven't really sorted through much of anything heart-related post Ellie. I sat with a friend on my couch a couple weeks before the conference and I told her that I was committed to letting that happen this weekend. Anyway. Long story short..

It totally happened.

The problem is that it was so sweet that I can't even type it out on here because there was some major open heart surgery that occurred and boy am I glad I had my friends with me. I am willing to talk about it in person if you're curious or want to hear a good story but seriously I can't even type it.

For those of you who aren't familiar with sozo, the simplest explanation is that it's learning how to intercede for others using specific techniques instead of just regular listening prayer which is more organic. The word sozo is a greek word that is found over and over and over again in the bible and it basically means to be made whole and complete, to be made well, to be restored, recovered, etc.
Example: 2 Timothy 4:18


The idea in receiving specific intercessory pray using the sozo format is that even as a new creations (2 Corinth. 5:17), we battle against really nasty stuff (Eph 6:12) where the enemy desires to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), so we pray and worship and intercede for one another when we walk in community together and this is just one of those ways to do that. Not a necessary way, but a really awesome way.

We didn't each go through the actual prayer time because this was a learning conference..but even just sitting through the teaching did a number on my heart. It was awesome. And since it was at my childhood church, there were familiar faces there helping to teach which was selfishly really awesome for me because I was in such a comfortable environment to learn. Mmmm.

I've been thinking a lot about healing and what it actually means to heal after losing someone you love. Before this all happened, I think my view of it was inaccurate...I assumed that the process would be the same as healing from a bad heartbreak or a bad season of stress and unfortunate circumstances, except on a larger scale. It's not the case.

Because there isn't a way to actually "heal" yourself of missing a person...and that's sort of what I expected. In fact, it'd be much easier that way. The problem is that when you lose a child every day is a reminder that you are doing life without them. There is healing and there is grief and there is the passage of time, and they all intersect in a way that I couldn't understand until losing Ellie. Maybe it's just semantics but healing isn't the right word for me right now. It's more that each day I realize another day has passed and somehow I'm still moving forward. The "missing" part might get easier some days, but I know that other days will feel just like the day I had to meet her and say goodbye at the same time.

I'm not healing as much as I am learning to live each day with a deep deep Ellie shaped hole in my heart, except even this feels like an understatement. No future children will replace her. No amount of time passed will erase her. You learn to deal with these intense feelings of missing her as life continues to move around you. I guess you do heal emotionally from the whirlwind of it all but there is an aching that can't be touched. I don't mean to say that God can't touch the heartache..but it's just so different than that. I don't know how to explain it. It's not a wound or a scar. It's my child. And the aching is just a wildly intense sense of longing for her. The real healing, I think, is marked by the relief that comes when I am faced with that aching...and can look ahead and remind myself that this is not the end.

Tomorrow I get to meet my sweet niece, Eden, who was born just days after Ellie passed away. I remember how excited I was when I found out my sister in law and I were due at the same time..and I always envisioned that she and Ellie would be so close. Now I can't wait to kiss sweet little Eden's cheeks and tell her how much I love her. I realize that this is super emotional territory but I also have this deep deep sense that Eden is going to be so so special to me in a way that no other baby could be. She's an amazing reminder of God's faithfulness to bring forth new life. And what a perfect name to go along with it...how God intended things to be..and how they will be again, with no more death or mourning or crying or pain.

Tomorrow I'll also be adventuring into amazing prayer time with lovely friends. It's all just perfect timing, really.

Shoot. It's been a while.

Here's an update.

Liz has safely arrived and settled in in Nigeria! Read about it here!
I already got to face time with her!! It was amazing. I cried on accident but I'm still so excited for her. She gave me a tour of her room and house and I've been stalking her like whoah via all social media outlets.

I'm going to Charleston this weekend for this awesome prayer training with some friends and it's going to be amazing, I can just tell. Chris can't come because he has stinkin' weekend clinicals which is so sad BUT for me it's going to beat being up here without him.

It's already September which is a VERY good thing and I promise I'm not wishing time away but I sort of am actually because we are beyond ready for nursing school to be over with. I can see the light.

We've been having the time of our LIVES re-training our cat to use the litter box because we bought this fancy new one that requires very little work, but there are little pellets and not sand so he's literally flipping his lid every day and acting like we've turned his world upside down in the worst way. Fact: in his entire existence with us (since he was 12 weeks old) he has never had an accident anywhere but the litterbox. We upgrade his toilet system and bam. Accidents. Ugh. So annoying. He's slowly getting it but we have to monitor him like 24/7 and literally place him in it when he has to go.

I've been reading "I Will Carry You," which came highly recommended by multiple people but I actually wouldn't have read it (because I didn't have the guts to pick it up) unless one of my friends gave it to me which happened last week and I already finished it. There story is the exact same as ours. Exact. Except their little girl was alive for a couple of hours instead of 30 minutes. When I read it, I felt like I was the one writing it. Every word was exactly how I feel and think and process all of this. It encouraged me to start writing our story, actually, so I am. It's the wife of the guy in that band "Selah" the ones who wrote the song "I will carry you" about it. I will absolutely recommend this book to anyone else who has gone through what we did. I cried a LOT reading it but it was so comforting to know that there are others out there. It's awful that there are..but comforting. Also, they had twins and another girl before the one that passed away, and one of the twins is named Ellie. So I read her name in every other sentence.

 Other than that...Chris is in full swing again in school, we're missing our Ellie all the time, and we're making it through...

Much love.