I've been thinking a lot about healing and what it actually means to heal after losing someone you love. Before this all happened, I think my view of it was inaccurate...I assumed that the process would be the same as healing from a bad heartbreak or a bad season of stress and unfortunate circumstances, except on a larger scale. It's not the case.

Because there isn't a way to actually "heal" yourself of missing a person...and that's sort of what I expected. In fact, it'd be much easier that way. The problem is that when you lose a child every day is a reminder that you are doing life without them. There is healing and there is grief and there is the passage of time, and they all intersect in a way that I couldn't understand until losing Ellie. Maybe it's just semantics but healing isn't the right word for me right now. It's more that each day I realize another day has passed and somehow I'm still moving forward. The "missing" part might get easier some days, but I know that other days will feel just like the day I had to meet her and say goodbye at the same time.

I'm not healing as much as I am learning to live each day with a deep deep Ellie shaped hole in my heart, except even this feels like an understatement. No future children will replace her. No amount of time passed will erase her. You learn to deal with these intense feelings of missing her as life continues to move around you. I guess you do heal emotionally from the whirlwind of it all but there is an aching that can't be touched. I don't mean to say that God can't touch the heartache..but it's just so different than that. I don't know how to explain it. It's not a wound or a scar. It's my child. And the aching is just a wildly intense sense of longing for her. The real healing, I think, is marked by the relief that comes when I am faced with that aching...and can look ahead and remind myself that this is not the end.

Tomorrow I get to meet my sweet niece, Eden, who was born just days after Ellie passed away. I remember how excited I was when I found out my sister in law and I were due at the same time..and I always envisioned that she and Ellie would be so close. Now I can't wait to kiss sweet little Eden's cheeks and tell her how much I love her. I realize that this is super emotional territory but I also have this deep deep sense that Eden is going to be so so special to me in a way that no other baby could be. She's an amazing reminder of God's faithfulness to bring forth new life. And what a perfect name to go along with it...how God intended things to be..and how they will be again, with no more death or mourning or crying or pain.

Tomorrow I'll also be adventuring into amazing prayer time with lovely friends. It's all just perfect timing, really.