You guys, we had so much fun in Universal with our friendies.

The new extension to Harry Potter world is too good to be truuuue. You should all go. Unless you don't care about Harry Potter, but if you do you're going to FLIP OUT.

I almost escaped the day without thinking of our life right now, until it accidentally slipped out that I just had a baby. How does this even happen at a theme park, you might ask? Well, Chris was talking to a staff member about trying out for their little fear factor show (because he would have won that junk) and the lady was asking all four of us one by one if we were going to do it too. I instinctively said "NO WAY, I just had a baby!" (Then, in my head, I said CRAP.) We already knew that one of the events was like a 30-something foot drop out of the air. Not recommended for recovering moms probably, even though it's been like 9ish weeks..and it totally just slipped out in normal conversation. I just forgot she was a stranger and that she could possibly probe further.

Anyway, she did probe and asked baby's gender to which I acted completely normal and smile-y when I said girl. And then she asked how old she was which is the kicker of all kickers and the point in time which I always debate lying or telling the truth. We all looked slightly awkward I think, as I glanced up at Chris, Jake, and Julie and then I said, "Welllllllllllll *pause* she actually passed away right after birth."

*wait for it...waaaaait for iitttt.*

"Well, you know, God knows and He knew just how hard it would be to take care of..you know.....it would just be hard..babies with needs.." That's as best as I can remember how she said it..she said it fast and I smiled and nodded and determined that I should have said

"9 weeks. She's 9 weeks."

*slaps hand to forehead* sheeeeesh.

I don't make this stuff up, y'all.

And then........we rode rollercoasters and all was as right in the world as it could be.

Tate life, I tell ya.

Shall I end on a good note?

"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand, who is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and runs away, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. The hired hand runs away because a hired hand does not care for the sheep. I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father. And I lay down my life for the sheep. I hae other sheep that do not belong to this fold. I must bring them in also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life in order to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it up again. I have received this command form my Father." Again the jews were divided because of these words. Many of them were saying, "He has a demon and is out of his mind. Why listen to him?" Others were saying, "These are not the words of one who has a demon. Can a demon open the eyes of the blind?"
At the time the festival of Dedication took place in Jerusalem, it was winter, and Jesus was walking in the temple in the portico of Solomon. So the Jews gathered around him and said to him. "How long will you keep us in suspense? If you are the Messiah, tell us plainly." Jesus answered, "I have told you and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father's name testify to me; but you do not believe, because you do not belong to my sheep. My sheep hear my voice. I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one will snatch them out of my hand. What the Father has given me is greater than all else, and no one can snatch it out of the Father's hand. The Father and I are one." The Jews took up stones again to stone him. Jesus replied, " I have shown you many good works from the Father. For which of these are you going to stone me?" The Jews answered, "It is not for a good work that we are going to stone you, but for blasphemy, because you, though only a human being, are making yourself God. Jesus answered, "Is it not written in your law, 'I said, you are gods'? If those to whom the word of God came were called 'gods'--and scripture cannot be annulled--can you say that the one whom the Father has sanctified and sent into the world is blaspheming because I said, "I am God's Son"? If I am not doing the work of the Father, then do not believe me. But if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works so that you may know and understand that the Father is in me and I am in the Father."

Peace and blessins.

I'm just going to say this and be done with it and never say it again for the sake of my friends who also feel a lot of feelings in regards to what I'm going to say.

Starting a month or so before my due date with Elsie, and through this week, there will be a total of 9 babies born in the lives of people who are very close to me. Not acquaintances, not random people on facebook, people I communicate with on a daily and weekly basis+family. This is largely why I have been off facebook sans posting a link to my blog and then logging off.

This isn't a post about how any of them should feel bad, because trust me, they ALL ALL ALL ALL ALL have talked about how their hearts can barely handle it sometimes.

This is a post about how life is not my friend right now, despite the fact that I love every single one of those new babies who have entered into this world. This isn't a pity party. This is the reality of my life in this craptastic season. It is hard. It  makes me feel ugly things. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel oh so much joy and oh so much pain all at the same time. It makes my empty mama arms ache intensely. This is the reality of infant loss that people don't like to talk about. I desperately want to "take care of" and "protect" all the people close to me who are dealing with this on the other end, because I would be so ignorant if I thought there weren't things to be dealt with on the other end.  But at the same time, I want to look at the grieving mamas out there and tell you that what you're feeling is normal and that it is okay to talk about. It's amazing that you want to be the loving, supportive, happy friend who can gush over their new baby with them, but your heart is important, too, and infant loss is NOT EASY, and if they love you they will want you to be able to tell them when it's too hard for your mourning heart.

I listened to a sermon yesterday about pressing on and I remember thinking, "I definitely need to hear this but I am SO TIRED OF PRESSING ON." What the h*** does pressing on even mean right now!?

Continuing to breathe? Check.
Continuing to pray? Check.
Continuing to not turn into a depressed hermit? Maybe Check?

It's such a hard balance of allowing time to pass and also doing things that help, but trying not to use works and business as distractions from dealing with my (very intense) feelings.

So this is just me, in this moment, feeling things and wishing things and hoping things, and of course, dealing with the influx of newborns all around.

On the bright side, all of these feelings we are feeling have caused us to go into "yes" mode, in that we have dubbed this year the "Year of Yes." When we see an opportunity/event/concert/trip that works with our schedule, we say yes to it, especially if we know it's going to help our hearts. This year of yes might not be the best for our wallets, but we're good at saving money and we are willing to sacrifice in other areas to do all the things.

Bethel Concert? Done
Trip to California? Happening soon (but that ones free/the first trip I've ever won!)
Heidi Baker Conference? Come to me.
Random trips to the trampoline park? Yes, please.
Sharing (very normal) amounts of wine and delicious meals out with my husband on a work night? Indeed.
Dreaming big? DOING IT.

You can help by sending us fun things you hear about. You can help by coming and seeing us for prolonged periods of time (I'm looking at YOU, Clemson friends.) And of course, you can help by praying that little baby home to our arms.


Love you, mean it.