I'm just going to say this and be done with it and never say it again for the sake of my friends who also feel a lot of feelings in regards to what I'm going to say.

Starting a month or so before my due date with Elsie, and through this week, there will be a total of 9 babies born in the lives of people who are very close to me. Not acquaintances, not random people on facebook, people I communicate with on a daily and weekly basis+family. This is largely why I have been off facebook sans posting a link to my blog and then logging off.

This isn't a post about how any of them should feel bad, because trust me, they ALL ALL ALL ALL ALL have talked about how their hearts can barely handle it sometimes.

This is a post about how life is not my friend right now, despite the fact that I love every single one of those new babies who have entered into this world. This isn't a pity party. This is the reality of my life in this craptastic season. It is hard. It  makes me feel ugly things. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel oh so much joy and oh so much pain all at the same time. It makes my empty mama arms ache intensely. This is the reality of infant loss that people don't like to talk about. I desperately want to "take care of" and "protect" all the people close to me who are dealing with this on the other end, because I would be so ignorant if I thought there weren't things to be dealt with on the other end.  But at the same time, I want to look at the grieving mamas out there and tell you that what you're feeling is normal and that it is okay to talk about. It's amazing that you want to be the loving, supportive, happy friend who can gush over their new baby with them, but your heart is important, too, and infant loss is NOT EASY, and if they love you they will want you to be able to tell them when it's too hard for your mourning heart.

I listened to a sermon yesterday about pressing on and I remember thinking, "I definitely need to hear this but I am SO TIRED OF PRESSING ON." What the h*** does pressing on even mean right now!?

Continuing to breathe? Check.
Continuing to pray? Check.
Continuing to not turn into a depressed hermit? Maybe Check?

It's such a hard balance of allowing time to pass and also doing things that help, but trying not to use works and business as distractions from dealing with my (very intense) feelings.

So this is just me, in this moment, feeling things and wishing things and hoping things, and of course, dealing with the influx of newborns all around.

On the bright side, all of these feelings we are feeling have caused us to go into "yes" mode, in that we have dubbed this year the "Year of Yes." When we see an opportunity/event/concert/trip that works with our schedule, we say yes to it, especially if we know it's going to help our hearts. This year of yes might not be the best for our wallets, but we're good at saving money and we are willing to sacrifice in other areas to do all the things.

Bethel Concert? Done
Trip to California? Happening soon (but that ones free/the first trip I've ever won!)
Heidi Baker Conference? Come to me.
Random trips to the trampoline park? Yes, please.
Sharing (very normal) amounts of wine and delicious meals out with my husband on a work night? Indeed.
Dreaming big? DOING IT.

You can help by sending us fun things you hear about. You can help by coming and seeing us for prolonged periods of time (I'm looking at YOU, Clemson friends.) And of course, you can help by praying that little baby home to our arms.


Love you, mean it.