19 days means 19 or sooner in my mind because I honestly don't think I'm going to go late, but considering Ellie spent her days being independent and proving doctors wrong week by week, I can't actually predict much. Ellie was a strong willed little lady.

I don't know how we are already this close, but I do know that I am full of hope and I am excited to kiss those sweet baby cheeks and to hold her in my arms.

God's been teaching me a lot about what it means to fear nothing. Absolutely nothing. Fear and faith aren't friends. They can't really exist in the same thought. I'm not talking about general fears and general faith in God, I'm talking about fear and faith as they relate to every single situation I encounter.

I've said it before that my biggest fear before losing Ellie was losing a child. Then my fear was realized and although I was devastated, I became so aware of the closeness and the majesty of eternity with Jesus that the fear of losing children and the fear of death were whisked away in one large wave of the hope and promises of God. That doesn't mean I didn't get to be sad or that I'm not allowed to miss her. And it doesn't mean that I have to be happy about this journey with Elsie, but it does mean that there is no fear to be found. There is victory if Elsie stays her with us. There is victory if she doesn't.

Fear is a thief of faith. If faith is the complete and perfect trust in God and his promises, then to fear is to admit that there is lack of trust. This isn't easy. I don't have it down. It's complicated to have rock solid faith in a world that doesn't yet look like heaven. But then again, if this world looked like heaven, fear would be non existent and this conversation would be completely pointless. So then you have to believe that perfect love CAN cast out fear right now. On this earth. In the midst of pain. In the midst of the unknown.

So although I don't know exactly what is going to happen in the next few weeks, I DO know that there will be life, there will be hope, and there won't be fear.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10