Some days are really hard. In thinking about everything that is going on with Ellie, I find myself doing a lot of wondering and contemplating what life was like before all of this happened. I don't even really remember.

I don't remember what even used to upset me as my threshold for emotional pain has clearly skyrocketed. This may be a good thing for the future, but on the flip side, it sucks to have to get used to something so awful that your tolerance for heartache rises. Eek.

It also doesn't help that I work at a job where terrible people people who need Jesus severely abuse their children in-utero with awful drugs for months and months before delivery and then their children thrive...and here we are, perfectly healthy and sober and longing to love our children and build a family and expand the Kingdom and she just can't seem to get better. That is the epitome of life being unfair. It's not okay. It's not okay that people can go to innocently run a marathon and get their legs blown off.

Unfair.

And again--it's all a reminder of the fallen and broken world we live in. It's a reminder that Jesus defeated the grave but He didn't stop there...thank goodness this is not the end.

This world and all of it's problems and heartache and trials is not the end.

Some days I have extraordinary peace and courage (from God only) and other days I feel so weary. With 9 weeks left until my due date, I feel like this crazy timer is ticking down to one of the most unpredictable life events and I'm not even sure how to prepare. Even preparing for a normal delivery for the very first time is crazy--but I have no idea if she's going to be born alive...or not...or alive and really really fragile...or alive and perfectly healthy. How do you prepare for the possibility of delivering a stillborn?

How do you hold that in balance with waiting expectantly for God to fully restore and heal?
There's no lack of faith here, that's for sure--but at what point in time do we begin to face the other possibilities?

How many times do we have to hear the doctors tell us she probably isn't going to make it?

If you'd like to know what my point is...my point is that it's good to vent. And my other point is that we are thoroughly over this. And we're okay with saying that. We're tired of feeling like our first pregnancy has been robbed from us, and we're tired of hearing that our daughter who was made in love is just fighting and fighting to be okay in there with nothing at all that we can do about it. We're her parents and there is nothing we can do about it.

I feel much better now.
And I don't want to leave anyone depressed or discouraged.
So I'm going to leave you with a slightly humorous conversation I had with my sweet husband about all of this over dinner last night. (Don't read it if you can't handle conversations involving the word poop because I am not going to apologize.)


j: I just feel like we're stuck.
c: stuck where?
j: Stuck in like....terror-land or something.
c: You mean like because we live in Anderson?
j: hahahaha, no....because of everything. (implying Ellie)
c: oh. yeah. (pause)   yeah, we're totally stuck in turd-land. (completely serious voice)
j:  (pause. totally realizing chris thought I said turd-land instead of terror-land)
.......hahahahahhahhhahahhahahahhahahahah
c: What!?
j: (laughing) You thought I said "I feel like we're stuck in turd-land!!???!?!?!"
c: I mean.............yeah! What did you say?
j:   TERROR-land. Terror. Not turd
c: ....................oh.
j: but I mean I guess I kinda feel like we're stuck in turd-land too.
c: exactly.
j: am I the only one picturing an amusement park that is poop-themed now?
c: nope--like there could be a water slide that's like a big toilet and you get flushed down the tube into a giant pool


-end of conversation. and also story of my life.


We're going to be okay friends. My husband is hilarious and sweet and encouraging. And our family and friends are the same. And here we are--enduring. A lot of wondering and not being sure how to even prepare for what is to come...but enduring.

Please continue to pray for Ellie...of all of the things in this world that there is too much of......prayer isn't one of them.