I must say.......I have received so much encouragement from people who have been following along on here because let's just be real--things in my head are so much different than the things on this blog. I try really really hard to have this place be an accurate reflection of my feelings and thoughts but the encouragement I have been getting from all of you proves that I must be conveying much more strength than I feel...because let me be very honest: I'm consistently writing out of complete and utter weakness. BUT hey.....we believe in speaking things into existence over here (Romans 4) so I'll just pretend that's what I've been doing.

So here's a better reflection:

I'm basically terrified (but prayerful) and exhausted (emotionally) and confused (most of the time.) One small pro is that because I'm so overwhelmed with what's going to happen AFTER the birth, I'm basically not scared at all about labor and delivery. That (the delivery)...in my head...seems way more silly to worry about in comparison to what I went through 2 months ago when they told us she'd probably die in the womb before now. Don't get me wrong...I'm sure the birthing process is going to be ridiculous. But sometimes I'm so struck by the crazy, overwhelming nature of emotional distress as opposed to physical....and we've had enough emotional stress to last us.......a really long time.

Do I sound really ungrateful right now? I'm not. I'm thankful for so so SO many things. I'm just processing all of this and it's really messy. But yeah. No idea what this is all going to be like. No idea if she'll be in the NICU for a day or a week or a month or more. No idea if she'll be able to eat on her own or have to be hooked up to all sorts of tubes. No idea if I'll be able to hold her as much as I want to. But we just keep praying and believing that God is faithful.

2 more weeks until we're considered full term. I was driving to work this morning wondering what it would have been like if I had known at that first appointment that we'd be this far along now and that she'd still be alive. Why do I think about these things? No idea. And I didn't even come up with any profound conclusions. But I did come to realize that we are much stronger because of it, I think. More on that when I actually know something worth talking about.

I think we're still getting stronger.

I don't have anything more than that right now. I really hope that I'm so physically exhausted today because she's growing a million pounds and not just because I'm just exhausted. I haven't been sleeping due to discomfort........which I also hope is from her growing. So you're welcome to pray for good sleep, but I'd rather you just pray for SERIOUS growth. Come on, Ellie!