My heart is overwhelmed and I do not feel brave. But God is still strong and we are still pushing through.

I wanted to send out an invitation for anyone who wants to join with us and our little small group who meets on Sundays who are going to begin fasting and praying on Wednesdays for Elsie.

I can't even describe how honored I feel that we have such loving people around us who are so committed to our little girl.

Those in our group who are pregnant or breastfeeding will not be fasting from all food for the day, but will find other ways to fast, but if you are able to fast--please consider joining us...it's only 8 Wednesdays until my due date, but technically we could have less time. Or more time. Who knows.

It's so important to me that we are doing this at the end, because it was so hard to pray towards the end of my pregnancy with Ellie. Things get real scary real fast with such little time left in pregnancy.

So--talk to Jesus about joining us, and if you would like to join AND be added to an email list to receive some sort of "group fasting" updates/encouragement, please email me at  jordanAtate@gmail.com, but there is no obligation to join the email list unless you want to hear from the rest of the group.

We thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

If you've seen my facebook as of recently, you have probably noticed my post about Chris' leg. It's WAY too good of a story not to share the entire thing, so as soon as I can I will have Chris sit down and write out everything that happened.

When he first came in and told me, I couldn't even check out his leg because he was pacing all around--and finally when he stood still I could see it. When you think about missing an INCH of leg, it's really significant, and it was easy to see with the naked eye. I could probably find pictures of him standing the way he always stood, with one hip supporting most of his weight. He's probably going to do it by habit now until he remembers he doesn't have to. :)

I JUST recently wrote a post about miracles and how many believers are hesitant to believe that they still happen--so what a joy it was to see my husband come home an inch taller since he no longer has to stand at the height of his shorter leg. :) He sits down frequently on the floor, lines them up, and shouts and laughs with joy. It's such a great gift, especially considering he loves running so much and hasn't been able to run long distances because of the horrible pain his leg was causing.

So anyways-look for that post soon! I've heard him tell it verbally to probably 10 or so people, and I never get tired of it. God is SO good, you guys.

In the last two years, I can't physically count the number of times we have heard the following: I know for a fact that I could not make it through what you're going through/I honestly can't imagine it/I have no idea what I would do if that happened to me.

I apologize for my lack of writing. I apologize mostly to myself because I have GOT to get this insane brain of mine in slightly better order. If you guys could only see what it's like in there. It's like a roller coaster except that there are no safety restraints, but also no hard ground underneath. So it's like..crazy..and terrifying..but also I can't really fall to my death if I let go because Jesus.

And also..even if I could fall to my death, I mean...Hello Jesus and Ellie and what!? This world has nothing for me. Except I still need to be in it. Because Jesus. It's a cycle, people. Either way, you can't tell this girl she's afraid of death because Heaven is looking better and better and better each year that I get older. Sorry, is this morbid? I'm not attempting to get there sooner, people...bare with me. My brain.

Just like He did with Ellie, the Lord has taken me on a crazy journey of finding out all of these things about myself that I didn't know were there. Again, let me reiterate because it's super important to me to that this gets out there (again) that he isn't CAUSING this to help me to become better or stronger or to learn things. That's silly. But he is using this time and there is no better time to learn about yourself than when you're in the valley. Because that's when you need Him most. Correction: that's when you realize you need him more than you thought you did because you always need him and that's what brings me to something he's taught me about myself:

I am...afraid of a lot of things. There are also a lot of things I'm NOT afraid of, but that's not the point.
Also, I am very much more attracted to safety and comfort than I would like to admit about myself.

Seriously. I remember thinking to myself last year, "Oh gosh, if Ellie lives shes going to be the most sheltered child on the planet because of the fact that I could have lost her so easily." Now multiple that times a BAJILLION with Elsie because I've already experienced the death of a child.

God doesn't want this to be a part of my identity. He has grace for it and he's teaching me and growing me, but it's gotta change.

I have seen people experience trauma and distress and instead of marching forward they retreat back into their comfortable lives in order to prevent themselves from getting into situations where they might face adversity. And let me tell you--I am tempted BEYOND BELIEF in this. My mind says, "Look, if you lose another child, you are going to focus on saving money so that you can adopt when you want to and find a house where the adoption of multiple children will be super plausible and then you and Chris are going to stay confined to your house and your area and you're going to continue "following" Jesus but like..mostly just in this one way...but this one way is super important, right!? I mean God loves adoption! How can that be bad?!"

So God's like. Listen. These desires you have aren't bad in and of themselves. But what if I call you beyond those desires into a less predictable situation? A foreign country? A job where you will make less money? What if I call you to adopt older children? Abused children? What if I call you to adopt way more children than what you think you can handle?

And I'm all like "But...losing children is unpredictable and horrible and I. just. want..............to know what's coming next."

God's like, "AKA you desire control."

Me: ................................

Yes.

I desire control.

I don't want to desire control but I desire control.

And I don't want to give up my control when I'm out of the valley...because that's not that hard. Because when you're out of the valley you're life is okay and great and you are happy and content at the least. And then God calls you to do something and it's easier to ignore him or, to be more forgiving, to miss his voice because everything is okay and maybe you aren't seeking him with the same ferocity that you sought him when you literally needed Him to sustain you.

So NOW. In the valley. In the face of great adversity. In the face of heart wrenching pain. We surrender.

Because the enemy wants nothing more than for you to surrender TO SAFETY. To retreat back to your home base and to never leave. To blame God and to not trust God and to not seek God and to limit your gifts and your calling and your purpose to how much of it will fit in the little box you've layed out for him.

He likes believers who give God "only a little" because they can't trust him with it all. He likes that a lot because he knows that God isn't actually the one who can't be trusted. The enemy is the one who steals and kills and destroys and he loves when God gets blamed for it.

The enemy likes believers with self-proclaimed limitations.

So we simply say that we have none.
We rid ourselves of our limitations and our desire for comfort and our desire for safety because then the enemy officially has nothing left to take from us. I've stared in the face of my very worst fear in life and have seen it come to pass.

I have stared a second time in the face of my very worst fear in life and I currently do not know the outcome.

And while I do not know the outcome, I can say with confidence that there is nothing left that the enemy can use to rock me. Nothing. This isn't a challenge to him. It's a banner of victory that we wave over our family KNOWING that nothing that happens on this Earth can hinder what God has already accomplished. Nothing.

We will not retreat.
The end.