Ummmmmmmmmm...

I've literally been locked out of my blog for..well, since the date of the lats post. A LONG TIME.

Yes, I legitimately forgot my password and had NO way to break in, because my recovery account was attached to my clemson student email account which was deactivated like a year after I graduated.

Multiple times a week I would try to remember what the heck my password to this account was (it's the email address associated with my life pre-marriage..so I only use it for blogger) and somehow, I typed the magical combination just now and broke in and then changed it. You guys. What in the world. My brain is too loaded with stuff to handle remembering the password I've typed into this blog for like YEARS!?

Yes. The answer is yes.

Rest assured, I wrote all of the passwords for all of my different accounts in a safe place and now I can continue using my brain for all other non-password-remembering activities.

So, welcome back to the blog, self!

I still feel so weird writing here, and I don't love that feeling. Nothing in my life is currently in crisis, and it seems that I always used to sit down and write in order to process during the crises that were Ellie and Elsie. And now life is just pretty easy. I read (and shared) an article I read recently about various things infant loss parents experience that the general public might not. But one that really struck me was the one that said that infant loss parents can clearly see their life divided into two: life before infant loss and life after.

That's where I am now in regards to my writing. I'm not in the "midst" of the loss anymore, so my voice and my perspective and my heart is in a different place. But I used to write before Ellie and Elsie ever existed. And THAT voice is also gone. I can't even pretend to remember what life felt like back before any of this happened, but I remember so clearly that it was all so different. The vividness of the "pre-loss" side of life is at the forefront of my mind, yet I can't force my brain to put myself back in that place.

I won't let this divide end this little space, as frustrating as it is right now as I find my voice again. Because right now my voice isn't one that always wants to be shouting about loss. Life is so much more than loss and grief, yet I couldn't have honestly said that statement six months ago. It's also about hope and redemption. But the grief and the loss are always there in the background, sometimes softer and less obvious, and sometimes right in front of my face, begging to be processed and dealt with with a box of tissues and a sore fist from punching.

So I'm not sure yet what this season of writing is going to look like. I'll continue to resort to instagram as my mini-social media outlet, in which I am restricted from writing a massive amount of information..thus granting some sort of permission to myself to not have all of the words for the current state of my heart.

Because my heart is full these days. It's full of baby snuggles and gratitude and the taste of a longing fulfilled. And it's also full of new beginnings in a new town with no sign or trace of the memories of loss. And that is so incredibly refreshing. And then it's still full of aching and confusion and the realization that the absence of my girls is not temporary on this side of life.

What I do know, is that I will be writing. (And I will be writing on this giant 27" iMac that my sweet husband surprised me with.) And when I write, it will be during the infrequent naps of my six month old, who I can hear snoring through the baby monitor. And my writing will be broken up by my incessant need to check on him every ten minutes, sometimes just because I like to stare at him while he sleeps.

And I will always write with a heart that so clearly remembers how I longed to sit down in this space with a baby under the same roof as me, alive and thriving. Because not a moment goes by that I don't remember the pain of that longing, even as my girls were snuggled up in my womb.

And in case you missed it, we are still taking videos! Because we are dedicated to recording Shepherd's (+ future Tateys) childhood, even with all of the random, mismatched, uneventful video footage we get.

Thanks for stopping by.

Sincerely,

The lady with a bajillion passwords.

Last week of September video blog! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciyFUdDJTbE

We posted a video recently about our decision to move away from Charleston, and the past month has been filled with hard conversations and awkward conversations and tense conversations about this decision. It has also been filled with encouraging and uplifting conversations.

In case you didn't have 14 minutes to spare on that super long video (whoops) we want to reiterate that we basically can't afford to live in Charleston AND do the things the Lord has called us to, which are..in no particular order:

adopt more children
foster children
host people
give WAY generously
live simply
ELIMINATE debt

These are all things we are passionate about, yet we realize that they are largely counter cultural, and so it is not surprising that we get strange looks and remarks when we say we can't afford to live here AND do all of those things. Sure, I could easily get a full time job and we could make it. But this would directly contradict our desire for me to 1) be a stay at home mom and 2) be able to foster in the way we feel called 3) and see my husband, as his schedule is totally bonkers in relation to a typical 9-5 that I would have to get. We wouldn't see each other.

God first.
Marriage next.
Children next.

And everything flows from there. We have been so sad to tell the people we are close to, and we DO feel loved in that there are people who are genuinely sad we aren't going to be a short drive away.

We just don't know how to talk about all of this without hurting people. It sucks to feel indebted to a community because they have walked through loss AND the joy of adoption with you, but I honestly wouldn't have accepted a dime if I knew it meant we would feel such intense pressure to stay because  of that. We are trying very very hard to do what is best for our family, and this decision was by no means an easy one.

Are we going to miss our friends? Absolutely.
But we are not going to stay in an area where we would have to work to LIVE rather than work to GIVE.

On top of all of this, as I mentioned in the video, the next time we want to adopt we have to come up with the funds to do so. God miraculously provided for us last time and I do not doubt that it can happen again, but we still shelled out close to 10,000 out of pocket for what our fundraiser didn't cover. In fact, we still owe over a thousand dollars to our attorney. Expanding our family isn't as simple as deciding to get pregnant............and oh how we wish it was. God's got this. He's got our family. But we still have to be prepared to sacrifice generously and as we are called, and that is just not a feasible option here.

And on top of all of THAT--I simply cannot apologize for having a hard time living in a place where my baby died. I'm sorry. I just can't. It is the same reason I will never visit Ellie's grave site and the same reason I avoid taking certain roads in town so I don't have to pass the funeral home that took care of Elsie. If I had a dime for every time I had to fight intense memories that flood back because of certain places in our town..I would be a rich woman. It is a lot to handle mentally and emotionally and it honestly is more than exhausting.

I know people walking through infant loss who are staying in the same house where their precious nursery was set up--only to be taken down again. I can't fathom that. The memories are too much and the pain is unreal. Just the other day, I found myself passing an aisle of a store where I picked out Elsie's Christmas stocking, and I nearly lost all of the contents of my stomach right there in that spot. It is SO so so challenging.

Needless to say......these past few years have been hard. So hard. There has been great darkness and there has been great joy in meeting our son. There has been heartache and depression and loss and grief, but we are attempting once again to meet with God and follow his leading and walk in obedience into this new season of life.

If you haven't seen the video and want a longer, more in depth explanation of our hearts--please feel free to watch the video! The link is a couple posts below.

I should also add that my parents are, of course, over the moon excited that we will be living in the same town as them. Oh, mercy..it is going to be so wonderful having them near. AND, we will also be 2 hours closer to Chris' parents. That is significant.

Peace.

Sorry, folks! I've been over here..erm....staring at my son.

No, really. That's what I've been doing..

.....along with supporting my hubby as he worked his HINEY off to renovate our new place (work in progress) and moving and yadda yadda.

So alas, we are here in our new home. I am fixing things here and there, painting during naps (ha, Shepherd's naps, that is. Nobody wants to see me paint while sleeping. Bad idea. Real bad), and slowly getting the place to feel like home--which is my favorite part, maybe the only likeable part, about moving for me. I have been posting photos of the renovation over on my instagram (tateylove) with the hashtag #taterenovate if you have missed all of this, but I will take some good qualify "after" pictures once we get more settled.

I'm not sure if Shepherd even realized we moved, but he's doing wonderfully. He weighs in at about 11 pounds, he's officially too big for newborn clothes (insert sobbing and packing of tiny clothes) and he's a solid 0-3 month size..except for his feet. His feet are long. And adorable. He's just now starting to smile and give me a break, people, the joy that comes with those first smiles....it's too much.

The past few months still seem so surreal and so mindblowing. Adoption really is just the greatest gift and I feel so honored every single day that it is officially a part of our story. Getting to be Shepherd's mama is indescribable.

I'm not sure if I posted on here yet about our genetic testing or not, but we meet with the geneticist in a couple of weeks to talk about our genes that appear to be completely normal. It has been incredibly frustrating for me to sort all of this out in my heart as we so hoped we would have some answers. We are faced with the decision to gamble with every pregnancy (an estimated 25% chance each time) or choose to permanently end our journey with biological parenthood via permanent birth control procedures--both options are so crappy, but we are weighing our options and praying that clarity will come. Infant loss and fertility issues come with so many ugly layers..I am finding more and more that I must remember where my worth comes from. And it does NOT come from biological motherhood.

I'm always feeling as though I'm coming to the end of myself over and over again as we turn each corner of this journey...and discovering each time that there is room for strength and room for bravery and room for grace and tears. I have learned more about myself in the past two and a half years than I can describe. I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude for Chris and the man that he is. I honestly couldn't have a better life partner. His heart is so kind and gentle towards me and he simply gets it. We both have seen the most raw, vulnerable, dark places in one another--yet the commitment and bond we share continues to reach deeper. I can't say I'm glad about what we've been through, but I am so in love with him and I am so glad to know the fire has refined us and not burned us. Cheers, my amazing man! It's all up from here! *nervous laughter* Right!? (JK.)

So anyway- these are my random, semi-cohesive thoughts that roll in and out of my brain all day these days. There has been so much on my heart and I'll come back soon to sort through it all, but for now just know that we are here and we are good.

Love,
Tates 3/5

OH WOW. This post. You guys. This is so exciting to type.

Forgive me that my brain is everywhere, but I am getting sent pictures of my SON (ahhh!) via my phone and it's taking all my strength to focus on getting things ready.

So in Alabama the mother has 5 days to change her mind, so we will not drive down (torture) until Thursday. The agency we are working with has no doubt in their mind that the birth family is committed, and they have followed up with her each day since his birth (April 28th) and she feels so positive about her decision and about US! She chose us for her son and she said she felt an immediate connection to us when she looked through our profile.

I can't tell you much about the situation, but all involved are healthy, both emotionally and physically. This case is considered a "clean" and uncomplicated situation..so we feel very very very blessed about that.

Back to how it all happened:
On Thursday (April 30th) I got a text from our agency director about a little boy who was born on the 28th and needed a family. She said that the Alabama agency (who already had our profile) wanted to present us for this baby! Usually when you are presented for a baby, the mother is still pregnant and has a month or more left to go, so we knew if this mother picked us, we would have to get our stuff together right away!!

Carri (with our agency) told us that the presentations were going to take place on the following day (May 1st) and that we would hear ASAP if we were selected or not. For some reason, I was just so hoping this was the one. I can't explain why, but there was another situation we were eligible to present for a couple of weeks from now, and I just kept going back and forth about it. I told Chris multiple times that I just wasn't sure about it, but I had no concrete reasons as to why. (That baby is due June 9th.)

So May 1st comes (yesterday) and it is presentation day! I was a mess! So anxious ALL day long. I tried to distract myself with friends and cleaning and other random activities, but it was a nerve racking and the hours seemed to creep by sooooooo slowly.

It gets to be 5pm and I had gotten a few messages from Carri wondering if I had heard anything from the Alabama people because she hadn't heard at all. She said she hated to even think this but she had a hunch they didn't pick us (because it was so late in the day) and that the Alabama agency just hadn't gotten around to letting all of the unchosen families know. I agreed and I started to feel disappointed, but I didn't want to fully give up until I got the email. The Alabama agency is typically fast at responding, so we were confused as to why we hadn't heard anything. Carri even started to text them rather than email just to see if she could find anything out.

Eventually it was 5:30...then 6...then 6:30...then 7...and at around 7:30 I was SURE we didn't get selected and I started to think about the situation that was to come in the following weeks so that I could cheer myself up. Chris got home from work around 8 and by that point I was positive that there was no way in the world they had selected us as we thought we would hear for sure by the end of the work day.

We talked on the phone with his Aunt and ate a couple of bites of dinner and all of the sudden it was around 8:30 and I looked down at my phone to see that Carri was calling me. My heart skipped a little bit, but I still didn't have high hopes. I thought for sure she was calling to explain why it took so long for them to tell us we weren't selected.

As soon as I answered, Carri started to talk but I couldn't read in her voice if there was excitement or disappointment! I'm sure only moments passed, but it felt like forever as I tried to get a feel for what was going on. All of the sudden she said "SHE CHOSE YOU GUYS!" And I fell to the ground crying hysterically...to the point that I could not even speak a word! I mumbled to Carri that I needed a moment to process and she laughed and screamed and was full of so much joy. I cried and cried and told her over and over again that I was SO SURE they didn't pick us because of how late it was and how shocked I was that we had him!

She went on to tell me that it took the Alabama agency 4 hours to drive to meet the birth mother, and then it took the birth mother forever to get to them due to transportation issues. Finally they met and presented and she picked us.

I was so deeply touched to find out that because of Ellie and Elsie, she really felt like she was giving us a gift. (Gift=understatement.) She is BRAVE enough to view her loss as our gift because of our girls, and that makes absolutely no sense to me because surely I could never be that strong. She mentioned it again to the agency today when they called to check on her. She just feels so confident and she sounds so full of love for this baby. She told the agency that she felt like we would be good parents to him because we appear so full of love and joy in our photos. Oh. my. heart.

You guys. He is beautiful. He is precious. It hurts my heart that we can't be there right now, but he is SO WORTH THE WAIT. He is worth everything we've been through. He is seriously seriously worth it. We are in love already, solely through pictures and only because of the love of God. You guys. I can't even explain it. His pictures make me feel the exact same feelings I had when I first saw Ellie and Elsie. I can only imagine what it will be like in person.

For now, we are SO grateful for his sweet caretakers, who will let me call and get as many photos as I want. They are such a sweet sweet family. He is in good hands waiting to join our family, and he has no idea how much he has already been prayed for!

We are waiting to reveal his name until we see him in person, but I dreamt of his name months ago for a little boy, before I ever knew he existed and before I ever knew if we would be matched with a boy. In my dream we had African American boy and I was calling him by this name. Sure enough..here he is..just a couple of months later. He is lovely, you guys, just lovely.

We can't WAIT to share him with you. As you've probably seen on our facebook posts, we still need massive help in fundraising. I don't even know how to express my thankfulness for how much you guys have already given. I can't even understand such generosity but it is incredible. We think that the total amount will be right around (or maybe a little over) $25,000. We know that God is the ultimate provider and we know that he LOVES adoption...so we are waiting in expectation for this complete gift! Our fundraiser can be found at http://www.gofundme.com/jod1mo

WOW you guys. Just wow. I can't believe this is my life right now! It doesn't feel real. It's incredible.


With love,
Chris and Jordan and Baby T-to-be

There is no better time to write a post about the Choose Joy conference than right NOW when I am not feeling very full of joy at all. I'm choosing joy today in the midst of some spiritual attack, but like we talked about, choosing joy doesn't always mean feeling happy.

We had an amazing amazing amazing time. I realized as the trip got closer, a lot of people were unaware of the details of the trip and what/how we won, and then I realized that that's because I did a horrible job of blogging about it, so I'll start there.

When I was pregnant with Elsie, I started following an organization called "Faithful Adoption Consultants (FAC)" on instagram based on recommendations from friends. I am not on facebook often, but they post on there too and if you have a facebook account or an IG account, you NEED to follow them. They are such a beautiful group of people and they match families with babies who need homes super fast...and super prayerfully (which is even more important.)

Their posts made my heart so happy, and I continued to follow them as we walked through losing Elsie and into having our homestudy done with an adoption agency in Greenville.

About three months ago, and while our homestudy was being processed, I saw a post on instagram from FAC that linked a 'giveaway' post with two other instagram accounts: the first being "@ChooseJoyEvent" and the other "@TheAdoptShoppe." (ALL worth following if you are even just mildly interested in adoption..) So this post pops up and it says that you can enter to win "the biggest adoption giveaway ever," which included an expenses paid trip to a conference called Choose Joy, a fundraising packet from the Adopt Shoppe, and a consultation with FAC. I reposted the photo with the proper hashtag for the giveaway and then I literally forgot about it because I have never in my life won anything. Ever.

A week later I log onto instagram to post a picture of Chris jumping at a trampoline park because we were having a SUPER crappy couple of days and we decided we needed some trampoline therapy. We leave, I go to post, and I find out that we won the stinking giveaway. And then I saw that there were over 500 entries.

I flipped my lid. Ask Chris. It's true. And at that point I didn't even know where the adoption/infertility/infant loss conference was because I definitely did not think we were going to win so I obviously didn't research it!

As directed, I emailed Emmy, the beautiful human being who created the Choose Joy conference, and let her know that we were claiming our prize, and everything got set up from there! The conference was in Laguna Hills, California, and we were flown out there to stay and attend the most amazing conference I've ever been to in my life.

The conference focused around infertility and adoption, and we were each able to pick four breakaway sessions to attend throughout our time there. Chris and I went to one together, but then there were a few sessions geared towards men only, so he wanted to make sure he went to those. I'm glad we split up because we are now able to compare notes on a variety of subjects! Good plan, Tates. We were only at the conference for a day and a half, but it seems like it was much longer because of how deeply you connect with everyone there. Everyone there had a story that involved unimaginable pain. As one of the speakers told me, it totally sucks that this conference has to be a thing, but because it is...I'm extra thankful that I was in a room with tons and tons and tons of people who have stumbled into the world of parenthood with one tragic situation after another. It was a room full of people who have not had it easy when it comes to growing their families, yet it was a room full of people who were straight up BRAVE.

Hi!

I'm here!

We're here!

Pax is here! (Sleeping.)

Is it already April?

It seems like just yesterday that we were ringing in the New Year with broken hearts and empty arms but very high hopes for a new new start.

And it has been a new start.

We are in the midst of the very emotionally challenging journey of adoption, and we wanted to let everyone know that we have been pretty close two times to being matched! Although these were "almosts" and we were extremely excited, we have not been crushed by the rollercoaster that is being presented to birth parents.

I have told many people that Ellie and Elsie have created a heart of steel in me. It's not that the pain of losing them has lessened, but rather that any situation that doesn't match that level of intensity is usually pretty manageable. And thank GOODNESS these adoption situations and the let down of not being chosen can not even come close to the pain we've already been through!

We are trying to remain confident that we will at least be matched by the fall, but it's hard to know.

In the mean time, we still need to get closer to our financial goal for adoption, because as we've seen in the past couple of months, when it happens..it's going to happen fast!

We have some other exciting things coming up! I have almost finished writing a book that I started writing after Ellie passed away. I previously thought that the ending was going to have to do with the healthy arrival of baby number two, but clearly the ending of the book has changed drastically. I am writing it first for myself..to get all of the details and thoughts and feelings out of my head and into one cohesive work, and secondly for other families who are struggling with infant loss and/or infertility of any kind.

I don't think I know much outside of what I've experienced..and even in what I've experienced my view is limited to my very personal encounters with it all. Regardless, I'm writing from the heart and hoping that it will help others to know they are not alone and that it's okay to not have it all together and to not have the immediate gratification of a neatly packaged resolution (i.e. what I thought was going to be Elsie.) Redemption has not been realized in our lives on this earth...and that's the beauty of writing from a place of emptiness...so I hope to end it there. And that is ALSO why I haven't been writing here as much.

This coming week, we are going to be seeing Heidi and Roland Baker in the flesh.

No words, just overwhelming feelings of YES.

Then, next weekend we head off to California for the Adoption Conference that we won! We plan to video some of it so that we can share the experience with our friends and family! :)

That being said--many adventures are ahead of us in these upcoming couple of weeks, and we plan to live it up.

You guys, we had so much fun in Universal with our friendies.

The new extension to Harry Potter world is too good to be truuuue. You should all go. Unless you don't care about Harry Potter, but if you do you're going to FLIP OUT.

I almost escaped the day without thinking of our life right now, until it accidentally slipped out that I just had a baby. How does this even happen at a theme park, you might ask? Well, Chris was talking to a staff member about trying out for their little fear factor show (because he would have won that junk) and the lady was asking all four of us one by one if we were going to do it too. I instinctively said "NO WAY, I just had a baby!" (Then, in my head, I said CRAP.) We already knew that one of the events was like a 30-something foot drop out of the air. Not recommended for recovering moms probably, even though it's been like 9ish weeks..and it totally just slipped out in normal conversation. I just forgot she was a stranger and that she could possibly probe further.

Anyway, she did probe and asked baby's gender to which I acted completely normal and smile-y when I said girl. And then she asked how old she was which is the kicker of all kickers and the point in time which I always debate lying or telling the truth. We all looked slightly awkward I think, as I glanced up at Chris, Jake, and Julie and then I said, "Welllllllllllll *pause* she actually passed away right after birth."

*wait for it...waaaaait for iitttt.*

"Well, you know, God knows and He knew just how hard it would be to take care of..you know.....it would just be hard..babies with needs.." That's as best as I can remember how she said it..she said it fast and I smiled and nodded and determined that I should have said

"9 weeks. She's 9 weeks."

*slaps hand to forehead* sheeeeesh.

I don't make this stuff up, y'all.

And then........we rode rollercoasters and all was as right in the world as it could be.

Tate life, I tell ya.

Shall I end on a good note?

"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand, who is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and runs away, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. The hired hand runs away because a hired hand does not care for the sheep. I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father. And I lay down my life for the sheep. I hae other sheep that do not belong to this fold. I must bring them in also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life in order to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it up again. I have received this command form my Father." Again the jews were divided because of these words. Many of them were saying, "He has a demon and is out of his mind. Why listen to him?" Others were saying, "These are not the words of one who has a demon. Can a demon open the eyes of the blind?"
At the time the festival of Dedication took place in Jerusalem, it was winter, and Jesus was walking in the temple in the portico of Solomon. So the Jews gathered around him and said to him. "How long will you keep us in suspense? If you are the Messiah, tell us plainly." Jesus answered, "I have told you and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father's name testify to me; but you do not believe, because you do not belong to my sheep. My sheep hear my voice. I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one will snatch them out of my hand. What the Father has given me is greater than all else, and no one can snatch it out of the Father's hand. The Father and I are one." The Jews took up stones again to stone him. Jesus replied, " I have shown you many good works from the Father. For which of these are you going to stone me?" The Jews answered, "It is not for a good work that we are going to stone you, but for blasphemy, because you, though only a human being, are making yourself God. Jesus answered, "Is it not written in your law, 'I said, you are gods'? If those to whom the word of God came were called 'gods'--and scripture cannot be annulled--can you say that the one whom the Father has sanctified and sent into the world is blaspheming because I said, "I am God's Son"? If I am not doing the work of the Father, then do not believe me. But if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works so that you may know and understand that the Father is in me and I am in the Father."

Peace and blessins.

I'm just going to say this and be done with it and never say it again for the sake of my friends who also feel a lot of feelings in regards to what I'm going to say.

Starting a month or so before my due date with Elsie, and through this week, there will be a total of 9 babies born in the lives of people who are very close to me. Not acquaintances, not random people on facebook, people I communicate with on a daily and weekly basis+family. This is largely why I have been off facebook sans posting a link to my blog and then logging off.

This isn't a post about how any of them should feel bad, because trust me, they ALL ALL ALL ALL ALL have talked about how their hearts can barely handle it sometimes.

This is a post about how life is not my friend right now, despite the fact that I love every single one of those new babies who have entered into this world. This isn't a pity party. This is the reality of my life in this craptastic season. It is hard. It  makes me feel ugly things. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel oh so much joy and oh so much pain all at the same time. It makes my empty mama arms ache intensely. This is the reality of infant loss that people don't like to talk about. I desperately want to "take care of" and "protect" all the people close to me who are dealing with this on the other end, because I would be so ignorant if I thought there weren't things to be dealt with on the other end.  But at the same time, I want to look at the grieving mamas out there and tell you that what you're feeling is normal and that it is okay to talk about. It's amazing that you want to be the loving, supportive, happy friend who can gush over their new baby with them, but your heart is important, too, and infant loss is NOT EASY, and if they love you they will want you to be able to tell them when it's too hard for your mourning heart.

I listened to a sermon yesterday about pressing on and I remember thinking, "I definitely need to hear this but I am SO TIRED OF PRESSING ON." What the h*** does pressing on even mean right now!?

Continuing to breathe? Check.
Continuing to pray? Check.
Continuing to not turn into a depressed hermit? Maybe Check?

It's such a hard balance of allowing time to pass and also doing things that help, but trying not to use works and business as distractions from dealing with my (very intense) feelings.

So this is just me, in this moment, feeling things and wishing things and hoping things, and of course, dealing with the influx of newborns all around.

On the bright side, all of these feelings we are feeling have caused us to go into "yes" mode, in that we have dubbed this year the "Year of Yes." When we see an opportunity/event/concert/trip that works with our schedule, we say yes to it, especially if we know it's going to help our hearts. This year of yes might not be the best for our wallets, but we're good at saving money and we are willing to sacrifice in other areas to do all the things.

Bethel Concert? Done
Trip to California? Happening soon (but that ones free/the first trip I've ever won!)
Heidi Baker Conference? Come to me.
Random trips to the trampoline park? Yes, please.
Sharing (very normal) amounts of wine and delicious meals out with my husband on a work night? Indeed.
Dreaming big? DOING IT.

You can help by sending us fun things you hear about. You can help by coming and seeing us for prolonged periods of time (I'm looking at YOU, Clemson friends.) And of course, you can help by praying that little baby home to our arms.


Love you, mean it.

I haven't been the most vocal about what's been going on over here in the realm of adoption, and that has been intentional. It's been a lot to process outside of the blog, so the thought of sitting down and typing out something that is coherent and helpful has been slightly overwhelming. I do have some general thoughts, though, and from them you can gather whatever information you want!

Things are happening quickly and we hear this is not the norm. Actually, I know it's not the norm. I'm pretty familiar with this world via research/work experience/general curiosity from an early age, and I can affirm that it's silly how fast it's going. Sometimes I have to catch myself in my ponderings about it all and ask myself "Is it really such a crazy idea that God may just want to bless us with a baby?" Because my mind is so. geared. for. tragedy. I think about the parents who wait YEARS for their adopted little people, or who wait six or seven months just to come across one or two situations, and that's just not how it's happening with us.

I can foresee myself sitting here typing to you guys with a small one just a few feet away--telling you how God is faithful and how I wish I could have trusted Him more throughout this whole thing...how I wish I could have forced my brain's gears to switch to expecting good things and not expecting failure. I'm just not there. I'm practicing a lot of grace with myself.

Another thing I think about often is "if only people knew what this was all like...they would surely run to get home studies done, right!?!?!?" The world of adoption can feel overwhelming when you step into it. For me it's not because of finances. Not because of pressure or the thought that we weren't made for this. It can feel overwhelming because there are so. many. orphans. You know how we can get paralyzed when we enter into situations that are so much bigger than we ever knew them to be? When in the face of the hugeness of things we freeze and do nothing? I find myself literally up in arms upset that we can't take multiple at a time. I'm not saying that the reason people don't adopt is because they aren't educated on the matter-on how many orphans are really out there....I just think we're so geared towards having our own babies and that's absolutely a beautiful thing. But man, you guys, what if we all just asked the Lord if He would have us adopt? Like--if we really really listened? I believe He's speaking to His Church about this, I believe it with all my heart. The Lord started speaking to me about adoption at an early age...and praise Him for bringing me a husband who had such compassion towards the orphans. I can't reduce orphan care down to a "call." I think there's more to it than that.

Maybe it looks different than solely bringing them in..or maybe it doesn't. I am not the one to judge, but what I'm getting at is just.........what if the church as a whole just talked to God about the orphans? They are real, you guys. I have an email inbox full of proof. They are all around.

Can you imagine me with this little weak heart coming across adoption situations multiple times a week and wondering who will parent these little people? And our realm of situations is so limited..just to the SOUTH EAST of the UNITED STATES! Worldwide?--gosh. So many orphans. Surely I am only feeling the tiniest percentage of love for them in comparison to what God feels towards them.

All this to say- things are happening. And we are excited, but we also hope to see people all around us adopt these little people. (Or big people!) I dream of a world where I know more people who have adopted orphans that those who haven't. THAT is a dreamy thought. We WILL keep everyone updated!

With love,
The Tates

Ever since we won the adoption giveaway I mentioned in the last post, I've been fortunate enough to connect with various women who have experienced some form of loss/infertility/etc, and it has done a number on my heart.

It's bittersweet, really. I would never wish for any person to experience infant loss or infertility or anything of the sort..but goodness, to be able to find and level with one another is really an incredible thing. I hate that it reminds me that there is this whole army of women out there walking around just like me..affected by the pregnant women we pass in the grocery store, affected by the baby clothes section of department stores, affected by the mothers we pass loading their babies into their cars, the diaper aisle, the sound of any crying baby anywhere...the list goes on and on and on.

Would anyone look at me and know that I am one of them? I wish there was a way we could easily spot each other, whatever the circumstances--so I could walk along side them and hug them and stomp my feet with them and tell them that I understand. We've all stepped into (been thrown into?) this world of grief and mourning and it's so not okay to feel alone in it. It's so not okay that it happens in the first place.

So this is to all of you who know what it's like to feel so very alone in a world where you are suddenly and uncontrollably hyper aware of every single baby bump you pass....every child in a stroller...and every car seat in the cars around you.

My heart is with you. God sees you. You are not alone.

Wellllllllllllllll, hey.

Every day lately is different than the last, some days harder, some days easier, some days we want to shoot the day in the face (not possible) and be done with. But there have been some good ones, too, and those are the ones I'm going to share.

Brain--not functioning as it normally does (what's new) so I'll just tell you briefly what we've been up to lately.

Chris had a birthday yesterday! He turned 26 years awesome, and for his birthday I bought him a variety of goodies and also coordinated a trip with our friends, Jake and Julie, to go down to Universal Studios again at the beginning of March. Just for the day. We did this almost exactly a year ago and it was magical. We can't wait to see them and we most definitely could use some rollercoaster/harry potter therapy.

We won this AMAZING adoption giveaway that I found out about on social media and entered not thinking at all that we were going to win the dang thing. It's a combination package from Faithful Adoption Consultants, The Adopt Shoppe, and the Choose Joy Conference. You can look up all of these online if you are curious about what they are. The Choose Joy Conference is happening at the end of April in Laguna Hills, California, and we get to attend (all expenses paid.) We are tacking on a couple days to the end of this conference since it's so far away, so we plan to live it up, people.

We went to a very well-timed (in our life) Bethel Worship Night in Charlotte with my parents, brother, and some of our dear friendies on this past Monday night. They sent a team over to our side of the states and we were so appreciative of that. Bethel Worship is some of the best (in our opinion), and it is so fun worshiping with family and friends. PLUS-the auditorium was SOLD OUT! Way to go, east coast peeps! You can listen to (and buy) the new album, "We Will Not Be Shaken" on itunes. It's really an amazing set of songs.

We have decided to just "do fun crap" whenever we feel like it this year, and so if you get a call from us to go to the local trampoline park...just say yes. We went last Friday sort of spur of the moment, and it was amazing. But for real, we were shockingly sore afterwards...after jumping for an hour. What. I had pregnancy to blame. Chris had nothing to blame.

Speaking of how terribly out of shape we are, I had my 6 week appointment and I'm officially good to start running and all the stuff. I've technically been going to the gym for a couple of weeks now, but it does feel good to work out again, especially when I'm feeling alkgalkjualkjerllaigjakejlajgad.
We did NOT get our genetic results back, they said they won't be available until probably March or April. I don't really care that much as I'm guessing I already know what they are going to say. They have mentioned twice that depending on the results, we could test embryos via IVF for the fatal condition and insert the ones that are healthy, but we do not feel comfortable with this as we would have to destroy the "affected" embryos. All I can think about when they talk about that is destroying little Ellie's and Elsie's. No way, man. If I get pregnant again it will be via embryo adoption (info on that in the adoption tab up top.)  :)

And that's about all I've got left in my head.

<3 p="">

We don’t deny the reality of suffering, on the one hand, nor the possibility of God, on the other. Again, this acknowledgment certainly doesn’t constitute an answer to the intellectual problem of pain. I believe there are answers on a certain level. But even the best answers are terribly unsatisfying, and they work better in a classroom than in a hospital room, beneath a pile of earthquake rubble, or at a crime scene. They provide only cold comfort to a person in agony, and often, as they solve one intellectual quandary, they create twenty-two more. As C. S. Lewis famously and wisely stated, the best answers don’t do as much good for a person in pain as a dose of courage does. So to pray on in the face of outrageous suffering, it seems to me, is at heart a choice of courage and hope, even if the prayers sound like blasphemies to observers.

So we shout, “No, no—I will not reject God! But no, no, no—neither will I deny my questions either! No, I will not cave in to despair, but no, neither will I be pacified with unsatisfying answers or superficial comfort. No!”[1]

Our dear friends, Evan and Alicia (and their wonderful son, Judah) are gearing up to head back to the Republic of Georgia as missionaries. Their family has been nothing but a blessing to us, and Alicia was the lovely friend who stayed up for hours and hours and hours on end during our never ending labor and delivery with Elsie! This family is one of the most selfless I know. Their heart for each other, for others, and for the nations is remarkable. They are fire starters and we look forward to seeing how greatly the atmosphere and those they encounter in Georgia.

They need help raising funds as they raise 100% of their expenses on their own! We have come up with a fun way to help support them by creating an 8x10 graphic print of Psalm 27:13. There are two different colors available and all of the proceeds go straight to them!

The prints can be found here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/TatesAtSea

Please feel free to share with anyone who you think would enjoy this print in their home. You can head over to http://faithtofollowyou.blogspot.com/ to check out more about them and follow their adventures.

Don't worry you guys, I'm not spiraling into an abyss of offense if that's what you concluded from my last post. I was just trying to be a helpful friend that hoped to shed some light on the messy world of grief and loss. It's a struggle. There is grace. And I still believe in honesty. And for those that wondered--it was just about that one song. Because, you know, you can count on us to tell you if you say something crazy to us about our girls. We love them. God loves them.

We are home from a fun prayer type conference in Clemson with our dear friends that we miss SO much. I feel spoiled to have gotten to see all of them twice in a month...we should make that a habit.

I always leave those people feeling refreshed and encouraged and strengthened. We have this wonderful group of people around us (not just in Clemson) that are so consistent and amazing at holding our hands and hearts through life. Life long friendships, I am sure of it. I kept thinking all weekend. Shoot- what do people do who don't have friends like this!? Friends that ask hard questions, friends that get deep down below surface level conversations, friends that aren't intimidated by the mess. Friends that speak hard truth, loving truth, and encouraging words on the daily to one another. If you don't have community like that--seek it out! It has gotten us through many a hard day...all it requires is transparency, something we want to see more of in the world.

I love you people! My heart is full.

I'll provide an adoption update soon--not much has changed since last time! We are currently on the email list and receiving adoption "situations."

Guys. I have to. I'm sorry. I have to. For the love of my sanity, I can no longer continue to suppress this.

Let me tell you something that happens in the world of experiencing trauma-your ability to keep things bottled inside flys....jumps...dives out of the window. And I think that's okay sometimes. How can you expect a girl like me to deal with the raw emotions of losing two children back to back and then also expect me to bottle in all the things that come with it. I get so many messages and emails daily about loss and most of the time it's great. It's so supportive.

But there's another side to this world that you don't see. I am praised for being "honest" and "real" but there is so much I keep in. I never want to be praised. I never want to be recognized for how I have walked through loss. [I mean, really...who wants to be the poster child for infant loss. That's right--nobody.] I want people to know that I cry and cry in my shower. I want people to know that I almost punched a hole through the car window. I want people to know that I have thrown more things in the past two years than I would like to admit. You can ask my closest friends for a list of all of the angry things I have said about God. You can ask them about the meltdowns I have in their presence or over the phone. It's real. It happens.

I want people to know that there is an ugly side to being comforted.

I want people to know that it is hard to receive money on behalf of your child's death. And yet..with each of these situations, there is good. Our adoption fund is a prime example of all of the things that coexist together even though there is pain and grief on one side and joy and hope on the other.

I spoke with a lovely women yesterday who has adopted (and experienced loss) and she mentioned that one of the hardest parts in receiving comfort is that you can't possibly agree with how everyone decides to comfort. And what comforts me may not comfort person X who is also experiencing grief. And what doesn't comfort me might be the grandest form of comfort for the other person.

One day I hope to write and talk about comforting those who grieve because it fascinates me. This is probably why the great C.S. Lewis wrote a whole book about it. (Amazing, I might add.....amazing for me.....maybe not for person X.)

If I could give one and only one piece of advice for those who comfort the ones who mourn and grieve, it would be this:
 -Comforting those who mourn comes WITH the uncomfortable requirement to understand if how you are reaching out is helping or not. You give them the right to tell you. Correction: You should give them the right to tell you. When we choose to walk with people through their grief, we choose to stumble around..over our words, over our actions, and into this "dance" of mourning that can only be beneficial when all parties agree that every aspect of it is hard and when all parties agree that honesty MUST win. That's why people shy away. And I get that. And it's okay.

What if my instinct in reaching out to a grieving friend is to sit with them and hug them? (This IS my instinct, by the way.) But what if my hugs amplify the pain? Do I request that they accept my intentions--that my intentions are for good, and continue to expose them to something that hurts their grieving heart?

No. Because their capacity to handle pain is overwhelming in this time. I instead must accept the fact that I must change my tactics, and this can only happen if the grieving person is honest.

(I am immediately reminded of my sister in law, who literally CHANGES her typical hug FOR me because she knows how much I receive love from physical touch. That, my friends, is remarkable.)

I am a grieving person and I am here to be honest. This, here, is my soap box. And I am here to stand on it for an uncomfortable moment.

See, normally, if I didn't blast my life over the internet, I wouldn't have to even worry about writing this post--because I would only have a small circle of people around me to inform about how to help us in this insane time of longing for our children.

But this blog is a double edged sword..where my attempts to be genuine and real come with the responsibility to.........be genuine and real.

I have tried hard...very very hard...to mark this blog with our beliefs about our wonderful creator. I have tried very hard to convey our theology in a way that is non-threatening and non-condemning. I have tried hard to make this a place where people can get a different, albeit, biblical, perspective...but I am not naive to the fact that we come from different backgrounds...different churches....different denominations where we simply do not agree on all aspects of the gospel story of Jesus. I have been sent blogs with different values, different beliefs, different theology, and I have appreciated them for what they are worth...I have seen the silver lining..I have gleaned truth, but I have to tell you if you don't know by now that I am firm in my faith, and I.......

will
not
accept
that God "slays me."

You heard it right, and I apologize in advance if you are one of the multiple who have sent me this song, as I am clearly the poster child for it....for those who believe in the theology of it. I am not here to tell you you are wrong. I am here to tell you that both Chris and I disagree with the song.

It's funny, too, that I've told Chris for years how I can never ever relate to Shane and Shane's music...and here we are, in the most unfortunate of circumstances in regards to this song.

I am not a poster child of how God "ruins" me.

I don't want to be thought of when you hear this song.

I realize I'm making the above statement even harder.

I think the timing of the popularity of this song is very unfortunate for my life circumstances.

I give you permission to think of me when you hear this song if you promise to only think about how yes--I will NEVER stop praising the name of Jesus.

Here is (some) of an article that expresses my opinion of this song, from matthewpaulturner.com 

I come, God, I come

 **And lastly, now that I have offended you all, here is my favorite comment of the article, in which I am also in agreement:

The fact that John Piper is in the music piece is a huge indicator of the type of theology that accompanies this song and perhaps the artists. Piper belongs to a theological tradition that holds to the belief that not only is God the author of good, but He is also the author of evil. This tradition to which the neo-Reformed/hyper Calvinist tribe ascribes to is an extreme view of God’s sovereignty. Believing that He is in control of everything, both good and bad. And, that God uses evil to bring about good. Although it appears the Bible makes some allusions to this, it goes against every notion and character that we know about God as indicated in the Bible and through personal experience. In his outstanding book, “Against Calvinism” author and theologian Roger Olson finds the many cracks found in the theology of the neo-Reformed/hyper-Calvinism movement, including this one. I highly recommend it.

I love you all, I truly do. I bet this feels uncomfortable. And I am sorry. But I just cannot.

With more love than you know,
A grieving momma with the desire to be "actually" genuine, not "fake genuine," and also a desire to respectfully disagree.

P.S. Don't hate me.

If you need some comedic relief now that you've read this, I direct you to this thoughtful music video that is one of my favorites. (It contains zero amounts of theology.)