James 1:17  Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

It's easy to become so engulfed in seasons of pain that we overlook little blessings....as cliche as that sounds I know it to be true. But seasons of pain also provide an amazing opportunity to find great hope in the small stuff...as the joy that it brings is usually in SUCH contrast to the struggles and mental strife of most hours of the day.

It seems God has been pouring out small blessings all over us just in the past couple of weeks. From friends who are lending us a really sweet car for no reason at all (just in time for our other car to go into needing-serving mode!) and finding surprise dates from friends and then tonight--

I went to the gym to work my booty but ALSO to keep my mind from losing it (my main motivation for gym going lately--although workin' it is an added bonus) and I decided to go to spinning..my usual fave. It was a new class and a teacher I had never seen before, and it just so happened to be a combination class of about twenty minutes of ab work and then 40 of spinning. If you're a prego or have ever been prego you know that some ab work is sketchy during pregnancy and you have to do some research to find out what kind is allowed. So before the class started I told the teacher, "Hey! I'm pregnant! If you see me doing ab work that I shouldn't be doing just tell me." So she gave me some modifications and then throughout the workout kept an eye on me, showing me different exercises to do apart from what the class was doing.

We finished, did our spinning stuff, and then at the end of class she followed up with me to talk to me about birthing and other exercising that she found was a good preparation for birth. This was one of those times where I got choked up and ran out of words, but when asked a direct question about my plans for birthing--I knew I could either run away, lie, or tell the truth. Lying obviously wasn't an option, and I didn't see an easy escape route..so I told her.

She didn't freak out. She wasn't scared. She knew exactly what to say. She gave me her information and told me to call or text her anytime and to come find her in the gym if I was having a freak out moment. She didn't say anything absurd (y'all. praise.) and she basically made my night. I didn't feel depressed when I walked away, but empowered and understood.

I know you're probably like. Sweet. You met a nice lady at the gym. Which is true, yes. But it was just so good and so so so rare. Not that meeting nice strangers is rare. But meeting nice strangers who find out what's going on and handle themselves so gracefully.

I just feel blessed.

Little gifts, people. Don't forget where they come from.

 

I have felt compelled to write about this but simply did not know how to begin, until this moment when I decided to sit and let my fingers type away and my heart spill out what I hope will be a clear message about where we stand as a family and as parents of two girls who have faces trials bigger than some people face in the entirety of their lives.

These thoughts started a couple weeks ago and culminated to the point that where I got a text message from a friend who knows me well.

Her text said this (amongst other things):
       This is a different pregnancy. This is a different baby.

I read it and thought. Yes. That. THAT is why I am struggling so much with how to ask for prayer. Because I have falsely believed that because it looks the same, it is the same. That I am reliving rather than walking through a new, albeit familiar, experience.

THAT is why I am struggling so much to ask the masses to pray for healing.

But it's what we want.

I'm going to tell you where we are coming from, but first let me put you at ease:
We do need protection from spiritual attack and for our marriage and our family, but we don't need protection in the form of "safe" prayers. Maybe a better way to say that is this: it will not hurt us to receive bold prayers for healing, as long as they are in line with scripture. For much of this pregnancy (post bad news,) I have prayed safe prayers. Prayers that will protect my heart from the what-ifs and the memories that I was already preparing to experience again. There is nothing inherently "wrong" with these prayers. Any prayers are good prayers if they align with scripture. But sometimes we are called beyond that.

When I first heard about Elsie's sickness, I sat frozen in my chair, unable to speak or move. The tears didn't come until moments later..and eventually the tears and shortness of breath were an exact reminder of the very moment we got the horrible phone call about Ellie. That moment with Elsie was the exact moment that I gave in to defeat, and began praying prayers of strength and mercy for myself and for my husband rather than for her life.

To walk through the same traumatic experience twice within a relatively small time frame means fighting old thought patterns, and most intense of all, fighting the memories and thoughts of an already experienced outcome. And I know that many of you are experiencing the very same thing. I've heard it, I've sensed it, and I'm telling you that it is okay and it is normal.

The bottom line is that it's easier to accept Elsie's projected fate and to begin the process of mourning than to press in and ask for healing, all the while knowing that it is a possibility that it will not happen..as it did not happen for Ellie. It's not easy. It is not easy.

But I know that as her parents, we have to ask daily for a full life with us here on this earth. Not just for her sake, but for ours too. I want to honor her while she's with us, and honoring your children means praying for all of the good things. It means praying over their life and for their health and for their well-being. It means being persistent and asking God to change these circumstances until we are told to do otherwise...by God. Not by the doctors.

As I held and said goodbye to Ellie, I did not regret one single second that I asked for her healing. I did not wish I had begun to prepare sooner for her possible death. Our hospital room wasn't a place of disbelief and shock because of it--it was literally one of the most peaceful and surreal life experiences I've had in the midst of such pain.

So this is where we stand. If you do not feel you have the strength to pray this way--our feelings are NOT hurt. It's not easy and we need prayers for other things JUST as much as we need prayers for Elsie. So, we ask that if you cannot pray for her healing, you pray for the following:
-Peace in our household and marriage
-JOY in our household and marriage
-Increased discernment and wisdom regarding the plans and future of our family
-Emotional strength
-Sleep/no nightmares


If you want to join us in praying for Elsie's healing, you can remember/write down/pray these scriptures..or look up your own...which I recommend..because there are just too many to type out here. :)
Psalm 103:3  He forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases.
Luke 17:6 The Lord replied, if you had faith like the grain of a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, "Be uprooted and planted in the sea," and it would obey you.
James 5:16 Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another, that you might be healed. The fervent prayer of a righteous man is effective and powerful.
Isaiah 58:8  Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear. 
Jeremiah 33:6  Behold, I will bring health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth.
Malachi 4:2  But to you who fear my name, the Son of Righteousness will arise with healing in His wings.
Matthew 9:35 Then Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every sickness and every disease among the people.
Matthew 10:8 Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. Freely you have received, freely give. 
 

First off- Thanks to all of you who have sent us cards and letters and beautiful drawings (Carl +Ailene!) They have made their way to our fridge and are a daily reminder of how loved and supported and prayed for we are. I keep wanting to thank each of you in person or at least on social media...but facebook isn't kind to me these days considering the entire world around me is pregnant (JOY!) but also struggle.

So, thank you. It means so much to us.

I don't have much to say today except a small update just to keep people informed..and so here it is. We are doing okay. We are trying hard to maintain some level of normalcy around here and we try not to give in to depressing thoughts, but occasionally it's hard to manage because of triggers that can't really be avoided (i.e. strangers noticing I'm pregnant, etc.) Because of this, I haven't been going out as much as I'd like to, except for to the gym and grocery store (in clothes that make it less noticeable that I'm pregnant.) :( Sad.

We are so thankful to be surrounded by such awesome community here and from afar. We've been blessed to have many people in our lives who are a continual encouragement and joy to be around. That is oh so important for us and so so valued.

Tomorrow we'll be headed to spend some much needed time with my parents (and celebrating my Dad's birthday slightly belated!) so that will be a nice little relaxing break. :)

love and peace,
Team Tate

 
Prayer People: We are going to begin asking for prayer (more prayer! ha!) about some decisions we're in the process of exploring for the not so distant future... but we don't want to be super specific on here because we'd like to keep personal opinions to a minimal and rather let God talk. So if you feel led to pray about what is to come in this next year for us, regardless of what happens with Elsie--feel free to email us scripture/impressions/anything you'd like. :) I don't say this to be intimidating or to make anyone feel that they have to "send the right thing," because no judgment whatsoever will be passed. We just know that a lot of you who read this are committed to prayer for our family and often get awesome encouragement from the Lord for us..and we love hearing about it. My email is jordanAtate@gmail. I won't be sharing what is sent to us in public, but rather will pray over each. In the end, we know that God will bring us clarity and we will practice discernment after receiving counsel from many. This is the best thing ever because it's so cool to look back and see how he uses his body as his voice. Holla at us.

People are angry. We are angry. Some of it is righteous anger (I hope) and some of it is anger that is quite easily fueled by the enemy..and that anger is what we're trying to get rid of. The healthy anger deals more with the desire to see justice and redemption..but still, this cannot be what drives us.

One thing that God has been showing me is that it's much too easy to get caught up in a false idea of redemption here on this earth. Believing in redemption that will certainly be seen in this lifetime is sort of like believing in karma. Essentially what we're saying is that when bad things happen like this to seemingly undeserving people, there MUST be good things ahead. When I say "good things," I'm talking about good life circumstances rather than the goodness of God. And THAT is where the distinction needs to be made.

The goodness of God does not equal good life circumstances, although all good life circumstances ARE a gift from God.

It's easy to look at our life and see what happened with Ellie and think "surely this baby will be fine because look at what they've been through already." But in reading scripture..that is just not true. We were never promised a healthy baby after Ellie. We hoped for it and we do still believe that we will raise children in our home one day, but it is not promised to us, and it is not God's fault.

This desire for redemption and justice is not a bad thing in and of itself, but it cannot be a desire from which we operate out of and consequently feel that God should operate out of. This is exactly the reason God rebukes Job's well-meaning friends in the midst of their desire to comfort Job.

Eliphaz: "Consider now: Who, being innocent, has ever perished? Where were the upright ever destroyed?" (Job 4:7).

Bildad: "Does God pervert justice? Does the Almighty pervert what is right?" (Job 8:3).

Zophar: "Yet if you devote your heart to [the LORD] and stretch out your hands to him, if you will put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame … But the eyes of the wicked will fail … Their hope will become a dying gasp" (Job 11: 13-20).

Their thinking is well-meaning, but skewed. Job's friends reduced all evil to "retributive suffering," caused by disobedience and sin...and on the flip side, believed that surely because Job is righteous God will deliver him from all suffering. God ends up telling them, "You have not spoken of me what is right like my servant Job has." If we actually thought the way of Job's friends, avoiding tragedies in life would be so simple. We could live righteously and fully devoted to God and be able to expect a life full of blessing and good circumstances. Easy.

It's also important to remember that God did not cause Job's suffering, but the enemy did. You may think, "Well, God still allowed it." And that is true. And I don't fully understand that part, but I do know that what is clear is that redemption has been promised to us through the means of everlasting life, not through happy endings and a life of ease (although Job was indeed blessed in his latter years.)

We aren't pessimistic--we do have HOPE that we will experience blessings in this life...and we already ARE so blessed. So so blessed. I mean..just turn on the news, you guys. We are so blessed to live in this country where I will not expect violence and death to come knocking on my door because I have written this post. But the key is that we do not demand these things of God and we do not expect him to operate out of our boxes of desired retributive suffering and/or retributive blessing.

As I write this post, Elsie is kicking me hard..which reminds me that she is surely still alive in the most intimate and attached way that she could ever be to me. She literally is alive because she is attached to me. I can be so grateful for that. She is alive. She is still alive.

It's not over, you guys, but let's not give satan any any ANY victory by believing the lie that God is not just for this. He is the most just of all for sending Jesus to die for our redemption. Not redemption in this lifetime per say, but for all eternity....and that is not to say that He doesn't want his Kingdom of life to break in here. We want that. We pray for that. It is why we write these posts for Elsie. He is the creator of LIFE, as our sweet friends have recently reminded us.

Is this still painful? Absolutely. We can be sad. We can be angry. That's totally allowed (I think.) But we choose not to make demands of God, and certainly not demands that do not align with scripture.

He does not create disease. He does not create suffering. He does not create death. Anddddd repeat.

Just so I don't unintentionally force your brains to implode due to an overwhelming amount of sad news, I would like to post about the awesome table we made. We originally intended to build it for our growing family, so that's semi sad in light of current events BUT nothing will stop us from filling these table benches with multiple children..adopted or our own..but hopefully both. So let's just pretend this post is prophetic and eventually when I post a picture of little hands eating super messy foods I will remember this moment.

I wanted a very very simple table design, which I guess is a good thing for my hubby since this was his first table building adventure. (I mean..OUR table building adventure! I helped! I totally did! I just didn't saw for fear of losing limbs.) Not that that man can't do literally anything he puts his mind to...but nevertheless, a simple table design it was. We found this design on Ana White's website, knowing ahead of time we would pick our own finish.

We made some modifications and chose a different bench to go with the table, but I can't go into much DIY detail here because I do not have the skills or knowledge to explain it properly, but basically we modified the size and a couple of minor details.

The total cost of the table AND benches was 200 dollars, and we certainly could not have found a combo we loved for even close to that amount. (We did tons of research and the minimum cost we could find for table+benches we liked was 400. Bare minimum.) We also splurged on the top boards for the table because we knew they would look awesome under a stain, so you could technically do this project for even cheaper depending on the wood you use. (We used untreated pine.)

We went with a stain from Rustoleum called "Driftwood" and it turned out just how we imagined--almost like a grey wash...that can be as opaque or heavy as you want it to be. We got ours to where we wanted it with about 2 coats (only 1 in some places.)

We sealed the table and benches with a water based polyurethane and were able to bring it back to our house that same day since the weather dried the table SO fast for us.

To be honest, if building a table is something you want to do, just do it! Don't be intimidated. You can find tons of free plans out there with detailed steps, and if you have access to power tools you're good to go. (Lowe's will even cut wood for you if you know exactly which cuts to make!)

Sleep has been a challenge. (Of course.)

Since Tuesday, we've been relatively restless. We finally got a good-ish nights sleep on Friday evening, and then Saturday night was another hard one (for me at least.) Falling asleep is a problem, and then once asleep I am hit with the worst nightmares and Ellie-memories of hospitals and children and holding another baby who does not get to come home with me. So obviously when I wake up it takes me quite a while to wind down, all the while remembering that it wasn't just a dream..it's sort of happened and is currently happening again.

Our friends left here Sunday morning and then we literally passed out for the entirety of Sunday--which was much needed but throws off sleeping later...and I desperately want to sleep through the night.

Another request to add on to the ever growing list. Forever grateful for prayer..you just have no idea.

God?
Do you see me?
Do you see us?

Surely you do for your word says that there is no secret hidden from you. That you know the number of hairs on our head. That you know every part of Elsie being formed in my womb.

Then you know of our pain and our crying out. You know of the countless tears that have already been shed.

Where are you in this?
Won't you intervene?
Won't you please intervene.

Surely you will not allow me to hold another lifeless baby.
Surely you will not watch us lower another child into the ground.

Would not healing and restoration bring more glory to your name?

You have cured the blind and healed the sick, made cancer non-existent.

You have the power to rewrite genes.
You have the power to reverse death sentences.

How much will you allow us to bear?

We cry mercy.

It seems the consensus amongst most of us is confusion, and I think that's absolutely fair. I wanted to just share a small bit of information--which is basically all I have.

I've felt compelled to write about this for a long time. It's one of those subjects that feels a bit touchy, but at the same time it's so much more than just a post about an opinion, it's a post about a lifestyle that we feel we have been called to.**

Chris and I didn't live together before we got married, so upon getting married we tried hard to pare down the things we had to make the transition towards living together easier. Our wedding registry made this easier because we were able to register together and decide the style and things we were looking for. We tried hard not to keep doubles and triples of kitchen gadgets and furniture and etc etc because 1) We felt that that would be silly and 2) We moved into an apartment under 500 square feet. Yep, UNDER 500 square feet. Our queen sized bed barely fit into our bedroom, we couldn't cook together in the kitchen (if you can call it that) without touching a LOT (I didn't mind) and we could fit one couch and maybe an end table in the living room.

And let me tell you-it was AWESOME. We were humbled, it was easy to clean, and we had MORE than what we needed. Much more. Absolutely a first world situation and we recognized that we were far greater off than much of the world.

From then on, every time we moved we got rid of more and more stuff. We didn't aim to "fill" each apartment we lived in but rather have what we needed. We were able to host a dear friend in our guest room for 9 months without forcing her to squeeze her stuff in around piles of unused stuff and furniture, and we realized that even though we always pared down...we still had too much.

I will say that I do have one care about our possessions and that is that I like to decorate because it's a passion of mine. It fulfills my need to be creative and there is something really beautiful about creating a living space that fits your personality. Is it necessary? No. But if I'm able, I'll always have a love for decorating our home.

So anyways, you've heard me talk about it before, but we moved 6 times now in a matter of three years. This is mostly because we're hardcore against commuting (if we can be) and less time in the car means more time together. So we would move to be closer to work/school/etc if a lease came to a close and we felt we were too far away. Plus..less gas money and saving the earth! Duh.

It is no surprise, then, that this philosophy of minimalism crosses over to how we want to raise babies. Don't roll your eyes just yet. When I tell people that, I typically get the "oh, just you wait" response (my favorite). But--God being the awesome provider that He is, has always provided us with friends and loved ones who modeled this WELL. With multiple children. Living in not-huge spaces. We always have felt a deep connection to these kinds of people, because they were already modeling the lifestyle and parenting styles that we have felt attracted to. (Anybody seen the 'Babies' documentary? That's our jam.)

Now--when we have teenagers who want to buy their own stuff and fill their rooms with posters and other thingamabobs, are we going to force them  not to? No. They can decorate their space and do what they will, but they will be doing so with the values we've instilled in them. And whether they like them or not will not be up to us, and I'm okay with that! Trust me--my room growing up was an epic DISASTER. My parents did an awesome job parenting us! My room didn't match the nature of our household. But somehow I became somewhat of a neat freak later in college and now I love to be clutter free.

Back to the point- the reason why we've registered for such specific items and why we have intense opinions about the clothes and toys and things that our children will have has everything to do with wanting to have what we need and love and get rid of the rest.

I talked to a dear friend about this because I couldn't pinpoint quite what makes me so upset when people challenge us on this view. And she mentioned spot on one of the factors (isn't it awesome to be known so well!) Part of it has to do with my love for a peaceful home. In so many words, the idea is that as a mother we will be surrounded by our children and our home environments more than anyone else, even our spouses (if referring to a stay at home parent.) If looking at toys upon toys upon toys that are solely made up of plastic and primary colors and clothes upon clothes that I don't like to look at, it DOES affect the home environment in that it isn't peaceful or calming to me..and we're the ones raising the little people.

I don't know why I don't love frilly pink dresses, but I don't. And it's not an injustice to my daughter to not put her in these things just because other people who don't live with her want her to wear them. Go ahead, ask your baby if they love their outfit. They don't care! Dressing and playing with your children has everything to do with their growth and attachment and health and also our sanity. Who wants sane parents? Yep, everyone.

Some people literally could care less what their child wears and it's more important to them to just accept anything they've been offered. There's nothing wrong with that. For whatever reason, it does matter to me. I can't "turn off" my desire to have a home that I love living in and looking at. It's not about the physical stuff but everything about how the space feels. Maybe it seems trivial and silly that massive amounts of plastic and primary colors make me feel weird--but we don't want our home to feel like a daycare or a giant children's play place. We are adults and we live here too. Children adapt to the environments they live in (again--watch the Babies documentary!) and sometimes less is more.

The bottom line: our kids are going to have everything they need and more. And we hope to instill upon them the value of minimalism and peace. Are we going to have toys around? YES! And they are going to be ones that we love. This won't look like a childless home and it also won't look like solely children live here. :) This will be a shared space where unnecessary clutter is mostly non-existent. We never want to be in a position where we feel tied down and immobile because of stuff. What if God calls us out of the country!? What if he calls us to house another guest? We want to be able to do these things on the fly.

The end.


**Just because we've been called to this particular lifestyle does NOT mean we pass judgment on those that don't live this way! Each family is different and each loves different things and different styles and each family should be able to choose the way they want to parent and live with their children. We don't walk into houses unlike ours and roll our eyes in disgust. We think the world would be a super boring place if everyone was just like us.

Tuesday is the day. The day that we head to our 20 week anatomy scan for this little baby growing in my belly. (Can you guys believe I'm almost 20 weeks!?) I've been wanting to write about it before hand so that I can look back and see more clearly how we have grown--but to be honest I have nothing ground breaking to say except for that this is a frightening event.

We don't have any reason to worry, thus far, and it seems that this pregnancy has been pretty by-the-book. Technically we could have said the same about Ellie, though, except that we've already had a few ultrasounds this pregnancy and we had only had one with her (at 8 weeks.)

No matter how "normal" this pregnancy has seemed, being confident and hopeful is easier said than done. I'm not so much worried about this baby as I am just fighting flashbacks to a bad ultrasound and subsequent bad news. And more bad news. And more bad news. Most doctor's offices feel the same (with the exception of the lovely birthing center we were able to spend time in while pregnant with Ellie) and I find myself easily slipping back into devastating memories each time I'm surrounded by the ultrasound equipment, the dim lights, and the ultrasound bed. And let's face it, I WOULD be lying if I said I wasn't a tad bit worried about this baby for obvious reasons.

Of our many many ultrasounds with Ellie, only one of them was good--and it was her 8 week when we heard her heartbeat for the first time. We've had 4 ultrasounds with this one (I'm not even a huge fan of multiple ultrasounds in pregnancy as we prefer the most natural route possible, but it seems that after last year we most certainly don't mind more glimpses of this little girl) and each time I feel I could sleep for days afterwards to relieve my mind and body of the roller coaster of emotions and mental back and forths and what-ifs.

I have even had a hard time praying for this little one so far, because there was so much pain associated with praying and interceding for Ellie every hour of every day. I know I sound like such a downer-but....all the while, the only constant and unwavering aspect of this pregnancy has been Jesus. We don't believe we have been "promised" a healthy baby, although we pray that that is the case. We have been promised that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that's what I've been holding on to.

Come Tuesday, I will most likely be singing a different tune--and hopefully God will use this to teach me much much more about trust and faith. For now, I can honestly say that I am dedicated to letting myself feel what I'm feeling. (Of course this isn't the case when I'm being out of control ridiculous. Don't hear that my feelings drive my everything, but sometimes it's important not to force yourself into a place emotionally that you aren't ready for. i.e. I'm not 100% ready to celebrate the impending 'healthy' arrival of this baby.) It's easy to feel guilty that my thoughts (and posts) such as these aren't interlaced with rainbows and warm, cozy feelings--but that very guilt leads to an intense pressure to find the silver lining and only talk about that. I know that in the end these, tough times are often followed by times of intense joy--and this leads to growth. I welcome the teaching and pruning that will come from this!

I don't want this little one's life in the womb to be consumed with all things Ellie related--but this is our story and this is part of hers. In the end, she will be the one who taught me and stretched me (hehe) just as much as Ellie did, except in different yet lovely ways.

There is joy ahead, I am sure.