Most days

4:44 PM

I place my order at the counter with two gentlemen when they notice right away that I'm pregnant.

Aw, congratulations! Is this your first baby? it's my second.
Wow, that's great! Do you know what you're having? 
A girl! We are super excited.
A girl!!!!!! And do you have a boy or girl at home now?

Heart stops. Lungs freeze. 

As I contemplate my response, my mind immediately wants to imagine Ellie at home with her dad, giggling and running around on wobbly legs that have just learned to move faster. I imagine the kisses I would give her after returning home, just after being away a short time.

I begin to breathe again, forcing myself to remember that she is home, and I respond.

......A first is a girl.
Wowwww! TWO girls! That is going to be something else. I bet your husband is excited! All those girls around.

I smile as I take my order, knowing that it would have been easier on my heart to tell the truth as to cut off any possibility for further questions, but it wouldn't have been easier for them.

It wouldn't have been easier for them to realize that surely there has been so much pain, and that they have unintentionally reminded me of it. It wouldn't have been easier for them to go about there shift knowing they may have made a pregnant momma quite sad....and then maybe they wouldn't ask other pregnant mom as about their sweet babies.

But I walk away, hurting but smiling, for Ellie who taught me how to love and for this new baby who I am forever grateful for.

I can only hope God keeps me sensitive to the moments in which I should share, because I know that Ellie is much too sweet not to.

And once again, I am thankful that she lives on in her teaching me and pushing me to be stronger and wiser and more compassionate. I am thankful once again that she is mine.

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  1. Oh sweetie, been there and it hurts every time. You will know when it's time to share. That's why we kept Britanny's picture and baby album in our bedroom when we moved from Augusta to Calif. We didn't want it to be the one of the first conversations we had with guests when they came over. Right or wrong, who knows, but it was easier for them and us. We always knew when it was time to share that part of our life. love you snuggums!


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