Mercy.

2:42 PM

TODAY IS THE DAY...that I had a crappy day.

Meh. I'm at Starbucks where I meant to actually order a fancy drink but in reality I got nervous at the counter and ordered a decaf Americano. Which is delish, but I just felt like I needed something to lift the spirits a bit. Just kidding, only Jesus can do that which is WHY I'm actually just here killing time till I go to a 6pm church service at a random church that we don't go to because why not?

My coffee heard me say that and decided to spill all over my white scarf. Whatevs, didn't need you anyway.

I keep waiting for someone to message me and tell me to not go to so many churches. No one has yet. I'm glad. If you do, my response will be that church is a building and we are actually the church so I can do what I want and I just so happen to want to not be so politically correct all the time (frequently, I write posts and then delete them for fear of not being PC. Today I'm feeling feisty because I had a bad day and NOFILTER.) We DO have a home church. We love that place.

Yesterday started the crap-train that has been my weekend in that I woke up SEVERELY missing Ellie. It just happens, ya know. I can go weeks thinking nothing but joy when I think of her and other times shoot me in the face it hurts so bad. I have dreams about her in which the hospital experience just replays...its not even a dream it's just a complete moment for moment documentary of what actually happened and chris was there and sarah was there and there we were bathing her and talking to her and hugging her and wishing she were earthly alive and not eternity alive (her end of the deal= still better.)

When Chris realized I was ellie-sad he held me and I cried and he told me that when he woke up he felt like he had been talking to her. So these things usually happen on the same nights for us.

I got over it and chose, once again, to actually get up from bed and to continue breathing and then this morning at church every baby cry/giggle/sound made me ache from the deepest pit in my stomach.

"Heavenly rewards?" is what I repeat to myself in these moments, emphasis on the question mark. Because sometimes it feels SO not worth it to continue this fight..it seems so much easier, in my head, to give up. To stay in bed. To lay with her box of things that smell like her instead of waiting at Starbucks to worship the God who knew this would happen all along.

I, very fortunately, know enough to know that waiting on God is actually the only solution. Waiting on more healing, more restoration, more promises, more faithfulness. He's a merciful one, that is for sure. And a way better choice than pounding on the floor and not showering for the rest of ever.

So excuse me while I go angry-pray only to be met by intense non-angry-love.

Missing the freaking HECK out of you, Elliebear.

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5 comments

  1. I know those days ... I'm so sorry <3

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  2. I was just telling Erin how glad I was to be there. :) and why can't I give you a hug right now? Ugh. Soon. Soon. Soon. You are still the bravest mother that I know

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  3. I know your voice like the back of my hand. :) Love you. Can't wait for rainbow baby redemption...praying that you will be able to be there for all of the joyful teary glory

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  4. I wish I could say that those days will go away but they won't. They will be less and less for sure and easier to get through , but they will still come, even after 27 years. It's an unshakable pain only comforted by the balm of perfect love.
    Love your sweet ums!
    mom

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