Confession and Thoughts on Having Zero Money.

9:03 AM

First off: Confession.
Chris and I have watched.....get ready for it.....ZERO hours/minutes/seconds of the summer Olympics.

Before you judge us harshly I'd like to point out the following:
1. We don't have cable
2. We don't have a computer that we can hook up to the TV.
3. We've been slightly busy trying to figure out this schooling chaos for Chris.

(Funny side note before I delve into #3.....we're actually getting rid of our TV..I look forward to not having it around.)

Which leads me to my next reflection about being really poor and having no idea what this next 15 months is going to look like.

Don't judge me again for saying we have zero money--I am well aware of our blessings and the fact that even though we are seriously poor, we're still better off than much much much of the world.
We get that...and honestly...it's a shot to the heart and confirms (again) our desires to do international missions together once we're done with all of this.

Regardless of our status in comparison to the rest of the world, it's still hard. That's what I'm going to talk about. "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything" has taken on a WHOLE new meaning in this chapter of life for us. I write this through teary eyes, because this has proven to me, once again..that I don't WANT to HAVE to rely on God to provide for us.

I don't want to.
I want to rely on myself.

When is the last time you truly had to rely solely on God? I remember being so moved by this concept in Nicaragua....but maybe I was so moved by it because I was on the outside looking in. From the inside, it's much more hazy. (I'm not saying it's hazy for them, too..it is for me because I spent my entire life not knowing what it's like to be in situations like these.)

Literally, just now..I debated ending this post there. Because I have nothing else to say or think about it.

Besides the fact that I just want to rely on myself.

What kind of culture is this? My mind has been trained to build up my own security for my own situations for my own life. I was just telling my friend Darlene that it's so easy to say we want to take people in and give them a place to stay...but the thought of asking other people to take US in feels so so so uncomfortable. Why? That's so ridiculous. Especially if we're truly living in community with one another and calling ourselves the church.

It shouldn't feel burdensome. It shouldn't feel uncomfortable. But it does. Because we crave individualism in this culture. We crave our "own" space and our "own" things, and our "own" little families that absolutely need to be separated by four walls and a yard. I'm describing myself here. Not anyone else.

Why should I care if ten people wanted to move in with us? The bible clearly states that leaving and cleaving after getting married is a good thing (in regards to creating a union with one another APART from our biological families)--but it says the contrary in regards to ANYONE in need. We think that we just get to create our little spaces with the people we love to be around, and when an uncomfortable situation arises we like to rationalize scripture and pretend that "leaving and cleaving" applies to the rest of our lives with our spouses and children.

We live in a culture of entitlement.
I'm entitled to want to just live in this house with my husband and future children because I earned it. I worked for it. WE created this life together. We did.

The reality of the situation is that none of this is ours anyway.
The reality of the situation is that "the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God."
None if it is ours. And we can't take it with us. And just like I don't want to ever look back on my life and wish that I had cared for more people, I don't want to look back on my life and wish I had been less prideful about asking for help.

I don't want to look back on my life and wish I had spent less time feeling like a burden and feeling shame.
I want to look back on my life and be glad that I found joy in the midst of uncertainty.
I want to look back on my life and see that I was still able to GIVE MY ALL to others when I didn't even have anything material in nature to give.

Meh.
It's a process, I suppose.



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